


high seas and childish dreams

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arguing, But not intentionally, Casual Sex, College, Drunkenness, F/M, Face Punching, M/M, Making Out, Mild Blood, Misgendering, Non-Explicit Sex, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Party, Recreational Drug Use, Relationships to be added - Freeform, Roommates, Shotgunning, Slurs, Stoner John Laurens, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, dead naming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-04-23 23:49:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14343546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander is a shit, sometimes; John has figured that much out, but he doesn’t think he does it on purpose. John tries not to hold it against him. Alex is obviously very intelligent, and sometimes things just come out of his mouth because he seems to lack a filter for all of his thoughts. John can’t say he dislikes it; maybe he even finds his blunt outbursts a little attractive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up this chapter contains the q slur and a bit of mild transphobia

When John gets to his dorm it’s clear his roomate has already arrived, but he’s nowhere to be found. The thought occurs to him fleetingly, because after he perceives that there are a few scattered possessions on one side of the room and the deduces that the other side of the room is his now, he’s completely focused on actually getting his things into the room.

It’s evening by the time John is satisfied, insisting he can handle the rest by himself. Mary, his older sister, had left about an hour ago to meet up with friends, leaving John alone with his dad. Henry Laurens pats him on the shoulder and keeps calling him _son,_ which John appreciates but sometimes he feels his dad overdoes it. After a minute or so of small talk, Henry starts to get teary eyed, and John stands from where he’s sitting on the edge of his bed and hugs his dad. Henry is unsure about the gesture at first, but returns it after hesitating for only a moment.

John separates from him after a moment, “It’s okay, dad.” he assures him, and he’s about to continue but his dad interrupts him.

“I know,” he says, “I’m just - an empty nester now.” he sighs, then observes John for a moment and frowns, “Take your hat off indoors, Jack.” he says, reaching up for the thousandth time that day and pulling John’s beanie from his head, “It’s impolite.”

John whines, because his hair is in the awkward place between long and short as he’s growing it out and how curly it is doesn’t really help his case, “Dad,” he whines, taking the beanie back, “Nobody does that anymore.”

“It’s gentlemanly.” his dad insists, “And I’m sure the ladies would appreciate it.”

John swallows, because he hasn’t gotten around to having the _sexuality_ conversation since he had the _gender_ conversation, “Yeah.”

Henry leaves after another bout of tears and another long hug, and then John is alone. He puts his beanie back on and unpacks some of his things. He’s hanging a poster up on the wall and thinking about taking a break after this, but also knowing full well if he takes a break he might never get started again and therefore trying to talk himself out of a break, when the door unlocks.

John whirls around on the bed to face a man his age with dark hair that falls to his shoulder and an exhausted expression; John immediately jumps down onto the floor, “Are you Alexander?” he asks excitedly.

(Presumed) Alexander’s eyebrows knit together when he looks at him, a faint smile appearing on his face, “Yeah.” he says, “You can call me Alex, though.”

“I’m John.” John says eagerly, stepping forward and grabbing Alex’s hand and shaking it, “John or Jack. Either. But usually John.”

“John or Jack.” Alex muses, returning the handshake; John drops it after a short moment and Alex stands, observing him, and then he says, “You’re a guy?”

John tries not to wince, “Yeah.” he says, trying to maintain a light tone.

Alex blinks, “Okay.” he says, turning away, “Sorry I missed you when you first showed up. I was at work.”

“That’s okay.” John says, moving and sitting back down on his bed, “Where do you work?”

“Dunkin Donuts.” Alex says absently, “Kinda dumb. And crazy in the morning. But I can get such cheap coffee, holy shit.” he laughs, and it’s a very charming sound that makes John blush a little bit.

“Where are you from?” John asks, impulsively deciding to burn through all the conversation topics he has.

“Oh, I’ve lived here my whole life.” Alex says, kicking his shoes off and mirroring John by sitting down on the edge of his bed as well, “Different neighborhoods, mostly Washington Heights, but you know.” he waves his hand a bit dismissively, “You?”

“Oh, I’m from South Carolina.” John says, almost shyly. He worries he’ll sound silly to someone who’s lived in New York his whole life.

Alex raises his eyebrows, “Wow, you’re far from home.” he comments, “What are you, a farmboy? What do they have in South Carolina?”

John smiles, “Not much.” he says, “But I did live in Charleston, so at least I didn’t live in a little tiny town where they farm dirt or something.”

“I went to New Jersey once.” Alex says suddenly, “Not a lot going on there, either. Thought about going to Princeton. That’s why I was there.”

“Oh, really?” John says, “My dad really wanted me to come here. I guess it’s kind of like a family thing. On my mom’s side. But, uh,” he hesitates, “she died when I was, like, three. So my dad really wanted us to go here to, like, honor her or whatever.”

Alex nods; his eyes look tired but they’re watching him kindly, “Who’s us?”

“Me and my sister.” John says, “She’s a senior here.”

“Ah,” Alex nods, then his eyes shift to something behind John and he stares for a moment, before he says, “My mom really wanted me to go to college, too.” he looks back at John suddenly, and smiles, “What are you majoring in? I’m majoring in political science and then I’m going to study law.”

“Double major in business and art.” John says.

“Art?” Alex asks, raising an eyebrow, “You’re an artist?”

“Yeah, I guess.” John says, looking away and smiling, “My dad wants me to get the business degree. My sister is getting a forensic psychology degree. I mostly want the art degree for fun.”

Alex gives him a strange look, an expression on his face that John can’t quite place, “You’re getting a degree for fun?” he asks, and John kind of shrugs, “Interesting.” he pauses, then the look on his face vanishes and he looks at John warmly, “What kind of business degree are you getting?”

“Oh, mostly accounting stuff,” John says, “Business management. I don’t know. I’m not super passionate about it but it sounds like something that’ll get me a job.” he pauses, “It’s mostly math stuff.”

“Oh, you like math?” Alex says, leaning back on his bed and staring at him.

John swallows nervously, although he’s not quite sure why, “Uh, yeah,” he says, “I guess I’m good at math.”

Alex hums, “I’m more of a writing man myself.” he says, and he’s about to keep talking but there’s a loud ringing noise from his pocket, and then to John’s surprise he pulls out a flip phone.

“Ah, I’ve got to go.” he says, standing back up and finding his shoes again; John isn’t going to ask him for an explanation, but Alex gives him one anyways, “This guy I met - his name is Aaron - he’s a sophomore - he’s supposed to be putting some thing for some club together tonight but apparently he’s not very good at being in charge so he asked me to come help out so he can tell me what to tell to other people because I guess I talk louder - he says I talk louder.”

As he’s putting his shoes back on, John has a feeling Alex is going to end up in charge at whatever he’s helping to set up, “I hope you have fun.” he says instead of commenting on it. Alex nods at him vaguely and grabs the jacket sitting on the end of his bed and then he’s gone again, and the room feels a lot quieter.

John sist for a moment, then forces himself to stand back up and finish unpacking.

…

During the day, Alex is only in the room for a few minutes at a time. Once classes start, he spends all his time either in class, at work, or at the library. Alex returns to their dorm usually around the time John is going to sleep, usually holding a paper mug of coffee that has long since gone cold. “Can you sleep if my desk lamp is on?” Alex asks, and John has a bit of a hard time falling asleep with the light but he likes Alex so he doesn’t say anything.

A year ago, something as small as his roommate keeping his lamp on while John was trying to sleep would've made him irrationally angry. When he was in high school, half the things people said to him evoked a reaction that got him suspended multiple times. People kept bothering him, though, because they thought it was amusing how ready he always was to start a fight. 

John’s temper hadn’t really gotten away from him since the fall semester of his senior year in high school, when he got into a particularly bad fight and was an inch away from getting expelled. Instead, because his dad is good at talking and occasionally bribing, John was suspended for two weeks, during which he had to stay home and be with his dad without his sister there to act as a buffer. The time alone eventually culminated in a conversation John had been dreading, but had also spent every waking moment thinking about and angsting over, thus his tendency to get into fights. When he’d come back to school he was, to the surprise of his peers, much calmer, but John never did tell any of them why. He never came out at school, for fear of getting his ass kicked; he could take most of the guys he’d fought before, but he hadn’t wanted anyone that much bigger than him suddenly thinking of him as a target. Usually the people he got into fights with were just kids who hung around the lockers during passing and thought it was funny to see what minuscule thing they could work John up over.

John had eventually learned that holding his tongue wasn’t _that_ difficult. The occasional comment or dirty look or push or shove still made him grind his teeth and scowl and  _want_ to get into fights, but at the pace he's moving at he's a little bit proud that he's been able to keep himself from getting into trouble. His hands don't constantly hurt anymore, and he doesn't have to deal with a broken finger or busted knuckles as long as he can keep himself calm. It proves to be a challenge some days, especially when it comes to things he's more sensitive or passionate about, but it's been almost a year since he got in a fight, and he's proud of himself for that.

Alexander is a shit, sometimes; John has figured that much out, but he doesn’t think he does it on purpose. Some of the things Alex says now and then make John need to take a second so he doesn't get into a spat. John tries not to hold it against him. Alex is obviously very intelligent, and sometimes things just come out of his mouth because he seems to lack a filter for all of his thoughts. John can’t say he dislikes it; maybe he even finds his blunt outbursts a little attractive.

His theory of Alex’s lack of a filter is proven true when Alex brings Aaron back to their dorm at nearly ten o’clock, and they almost immediately get into an argument.

“Hey, John?” Alex says as he comes in, “Aaron is kind of shut out of his dorm for the night, is it okay if he crashes here? He says he doesn’t want to sleep in the library.”

“Yeah, I don’t care,” John says, turning around in his chair to face them, “As long as he’s quiet.” he adds, and they both laugh. John turns back around to focus on his notes, a bit embarrassed at their response, “Dunno where he’s gonna sleep, though.” he mutters.

“My bed,” Alex says immediately, and John glances at him out of the corner of his eye and then turns to face Aaron again.

“What’s wrong with your dorm?” he asks, and Aaron sets his bag down at the foot of Alex’s bed and looks like he’s contemplating.

“He’s, uh…” he trails off, and he’s about to finish when Alex interrupts.

“Getting laid.” he says, and Aaron frowns.

“I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.” he tells him.

“Well, it’s the truth,” Alex insists, then he looks at John, “his roommate is getting laid.”

“I am sincerely sorry you have to _live_ with him.” Aaron says to John, “He never shuts up. Am I correct when I say that?”

John smiles a little bit, “Yeah, he never shuts up.”

“This is homophobia.” Alex says defensively, and Aaron laughs.

“You’re _bi_.” he says, sitting down on the bed and taking his shoes off. John quietly makes a note of this information as Aaron looks back at him, “Does he tell you that, a lot, too? That he’s bi? He must’ve told me a thousand times by now.”

“I’m just reminding you, so you don’t forget.” Alex says, “I need to study, but if you want to go to sleep, you can.”

“Oh, are you quiet when you study?” Aaron asks, “Or do you have to read everything aloud to yourself?” he adds, which makes John laugh a little bit.

“I do _not_ do that.” Alex says, then he looks pointedly at John, “Tell him I do _not_ do that.”

“He doesn’t.” John says, “All the time.”

Aaron goes to sleep, taking up the right side of Alex’s twin bed, while Alex himself settles into his desk chair and opens one of his textbooks and begins writing in a notebook. John drums his fingers on his desk, and when he’s sure Aaron is asleep, he says, “I didn’t know you were, uh, bi.”

“Oh, yeah,” Alex says nonchalantly, without looking up. After a moment, his demeanor changes and he does look up at John, “Does that bother you?”

“No!” John says quickly, a little loud since someone is sleeping in their room; he clears his throat, “I just - uh - I just didn’t know.”

Alex watches him for a second, but then he drops it; he goes back to taking notes for a beat, and John is considering calling it a night, but then Alex looks back at him, “Aaron thinks I should keep it to myself.” he says, and John raises his eyebrows and leans forward to listen, “He says if I’m going to become a lawyer or a politician that it’s not something I should be open about, but I think I can be open about what I want.” he looks back at Aaron, who’s sleeping, “He says I talk too much. Do you think I talk too much?”

He looks back at John expectantly, who stammers, “I mean - you uh - you talk.” he says, and Alex grins at him.

“I guess I do talk a lot.” he says, “but I wouldn’t say _too_ _much_.” he’s quiet for a moment, before he says, “I think Aaron is bi, too.”

That startles John, “Oh?”

“Yeah.” Alex says, “I asked, and he said he’s straight, but I kind of don’t believe him. He stares at the teaching assistant in our French class way too much to be straight. Although, to be fair, our teaching assistant _is_ really hot.”

John isn’t sure what to say to that, so he just clears his throat and looks back down at his desk; he can’t remember what he was doing before Alexander came back in the room. He can still feel him watching him.

Out of nowhere, Alex asks, “Are you straight?”

John almost flinches, but he manages to keep himself looking calm despite the rapid beating of his heart; he looks back up at Alex and definitely hesitates for too long before he says, “I - uh - I mean,” he swallows, “I don’t know.” he tells him, then immediately regrets it, “I mean I don’t - uh,” he looks back down at his desk and closes his book and then finally decides on an answer, “I’m definitely queer.”

Alex raises his eyebrows, “How so?”

“I’m gonna go to bed.” John says suddenly, standing up fast and knocking his knee on the edge of his desk; he cusses and Alex laughs at him.

John climbs into bed without changing, and he knows he needs to take his binder off but he can’t right now, because Alex is still watching him, so John lays down with it on and decides to take it off once Alex goes to bed. If Alex goes to bed.

“Is it okay if I keep the lamp on?” Alex asks, but his tone is absent because by now he seems to know the answer.

“Yeah, whatever.” John says as he pulls his blanket up over his head. He thinks vaguely about trying to take his binder off under the covers, but he worries Alex will notice all his squirming. He lays there uncomfortably, half wishing he’d had the foresight to take it off earlier, but also pleased that he hadn’t because he’d introduced himself to Aaron and he hadn’t even blinked. The thought makes him a little happier, but the ache is still distracting.

It’s a Tuesday night. Alex has an opening shift tomorrow morning, so he has to go to bed soon. John can wait.

...

John wakes up before the sun comes up, and as soon as he moves he wakes up suddenly and wheezes. He sits up and pulls his shirt over his head and then works, in pain, to get his binder off as fast as he can without killing himself. When he finally pulls it off he throws it on the floor and whines, sinking back down into bed and wrapping his blanket around him.

He checks his phone; the time reads 4:49 a.m.. Alex has definitely left for work by now. John fleetingly thinks about getting up to find his sweatshirt, but now that he’s laid back down he feels tired again and he doesn’t want to get up. He checks the time again to reassure himself, then rolls over and tries to ignore the aching in his chest and pulls the blanket all the way up around him and falls back asleep.

He wakes back up because he hears a loud noise and he jumps, rolling over in bed suddenly to find Aaron picking a metal water bottle, the source of the noise, up off the ground.

“Sorry,” Aaron says, “I didn’t mean to wake you. I was just leaving. Do you know where Alex went?”

John feels sweaty, suddenly aware that he doesn’t have a shirt on under the blanket and he sinks under it a little bit more, “Work.” he says shortly, and Aaron hums and grabs his bag off the floor.

“Thanks for letting me crash here.” he says, “I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure.” John says, “See you. Bye.”

Aaron can tell John wants him to leave, so he does quickly, and John relaxes. He’s thankful that Aaron isn’t as oblivious as Alex sometimes has proven to be. He checks his phone again; this time it reads 9:28 a.m.. John huffs and climbs out of bed, wincing because he’s still sore, and fishes around for his sweatshirt. There’s no way he’s putting his binder back on anytime soon, so he digs a bra out from where he has them hidden away and changes.

He doesn’t have time to shower, and he wonders if he even has time to run by the bathrooms to brush his teeth; the thought of not doing so makes him feel gross, so he grabs his toothbrush. When he goes to open the door, Alex is standing right outside, holding his key in his hand like he was about to come in.

“Oh,” John says, folding in on himself again, “I didn’t realize you were coming back so soon.”

“So soon?” Alex asks, “I got up at four in the morning.”

“Right.” John says, “Sorry, I wasn’t awake then.”

“Is Aaron still here?” Alex asks, looking over John’s shoulder.

“No, he just left.” John says, “I was going to brush my teeth. I have class at ten.”

“Which building?” Alex asks, and John tells him, “Oh, that’s near the library. Let me grab a couple of my books and I’ll walk with you.”

“Okay.” John says, even though he kind of wants to be alone right now. He goes to brush his teeth while Alex is getting his stuff together and he meets him back at their room so he can toss his toothbrush back inside.

It’s a sunny day, not yet starting to get cool outside, but it’s not so hot that John suffers from wearing his sweatshirt. John has to walk a little faster than he normally would to keep up with Alex, but it’s probably for the better so he’s not late to class.

Alex glances over at him, “Pretty soon it’ll be the right weather for that hat you’re always wearing.”

John suddenly feels kind of self conscious about his beanie, “My dad never lets me wear it inside.” he says, because he can’t think of anything else to say on the topic.

Alex laughs a little bit, “Sounds about right.” he says, “So hey, I’m probably going to hang around the library until I have to go to French, and then I was planning on trying to get into the teaching assistant’s pants.” Alex tells him casually, which makes John embarrassed as they walk across campus where anyone can hear them.

“Maybe you shouldn’t say that so loud.” he says, and Alex waves him off.

“I can say whatever I want as loud as I want.” Alex says, “You look like you have nice arms, and your knuckles are scarred. Noticed that. I bet if someone tried to jump me for liking guys we could kick their ass.”

John looks away, “Sure.” he mutters.

“Anyways, if I text you and tell you I was successful, can I count on you to not be in the room when I get back?” Alex continues.

“Yeah, sure.” John says, a bit miffed now, although he can’t really place why, “I’ve gotta go here.”

“Oh, but your building is this way.” Alex says, nodding ahead of them.

“This is a shortcut.” John lies, peeling away from him, “I’ll see you later.” he adds over his shoulder, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt and enjoying the silence. As attractive as John thinks Alex is, he really _does_ talk too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme know if anything i said in this chapter was upsetting. thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up this chapter contains underage drinking and a bit of mild transphobia/dysphoric stuff

It takes John a few weeks to run into Aaron again, since they’re not in any classes together. John assumes his roommate hasn’t kicked him out again, but he hopes if he has Aaron hasn’t been sleeping in the library to avoid bothering him. Every now and then, John sees him in passing, but he’s usually on his way to something that can’t be missed, so he can’t stop to talk to him.

Alex has been in and out of the room on his usual schedule, and after almost a month and a half of living with him, John figures out that his weeks move the same way weekly almost down to the minute. This is opportune for John, since he now knows when to do things in their room without Alex suddenly appearing out of nowhere. This is good for deciding when to wear his binder, and when to bring laundry in and out of the room that he wouldn’t want Alex to see. It’s also good for getting in an hour or so of sleep without Alex’s lamp on, or skipping the nap all together and laying in bed… relieving stress.

On Friday, usually the best time for either a nap or stress relief - or in today’s case both - John is cleaning his hands with a wet wipe because he doesn’t want to walk all the way down to the bathrooms just to wash his hands. He’s just thrown it in the trash can when the door opens and Alex comes barreling inside, startling John.

He checks the time on his phone before looking up at Alex, who has already sat down with John on his bed, “You’re back early.” he says, his face a bit hot, because a five minute difference would have been a disaster.

“Yeah, they didn’t have the book I wanted at the library,” Alex says hurriedly, “But I came back to ask you something.”

John raises his eyebrows and Alex starts, “So while I was in the library _looking_ for the book, on the other side of the aisle I was looking in I heard these two girls talking about the teaching assistant - ”

“The French one?” John asks, half amused and half a little tired of hearing about this.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex says, “So one of them was saying she invited him to go to a party tonight, and he said he’d definitely be there, which for one thing means he decliner her offer to go _with_ her so, like, I still have a chance, but that brings me to my dilemma.” he pauses and looks at John pleadingly, “Do you think I should go to the party to try to talk to him?”

John thinks about it for a second, “Do you know where it is?”

“Yeah, they were talking about it.” Alex says.

John thinks for a moment longer, “Do you have any classes tomorrow morning?”

“No.” Alex says quickly.

“Do you have to work?” John asks.

Alex looks up at the ceiling and thinks about it, then looks back at John, “Not until noon.”

“Well then I don’t see why you shouldn’t go.” John tells him, “Unless you have something you really need to work on.”

“ _John_ ,” Alex whines; he grabs John’s arm and tugs on it and John’s heart flutters a little, “I’m asking you to be my moral compass and you’re telling me to do bad things.”

“I’m telling you if you don’t have any priorities you should go to the dumb party!” John retorts, pushing Alex off of him; he flops on the bed and John laughs at him.

“I don’t really go to parties.” Alex says after a moment, “Do you go to parties.”

“I haven’t been to a party in a while.” John says, “But I do like alcohol.”

Alex grins at him, “I’ll go if you go.”

“Oh, yes, I would love to watch you flirt with your teaching assistant.” John says.

“I knew you would.” Alex says, sitting back up, “Will you, though? If I go I’d rather not go by myself.”

John drums his fingers on the mattress, then says, “Yeah, sure. I’m not doing anything tomorrow.”

“Yes!” Alex says, seizing John by his shoulders and shaking him, “It’ll be great. I should ask Aaron if he wants to come, too.”

John wilts a little bit, “Yeah, totally.” he pauses, “He doesn’t really strike me as a party guy, though.”

“Something tells me I might be able to convince him.” Alex says.

His phone makes a shrill noise then from his pocket, and John winces. John _hates_ Alex’s phone (“I think the fact that you own a flip phone in the year of our Lord, 2013, is heinous and blasphemous.” “Good thing I’m not religious.”). The novelty of the flip phone isn’t what bothers John the most, it’s the _noise_ it makes. Alexander has a thousand alarms set for a thousand different things, and every time one goes off it’s accompanied by a shrill beep that gives John a headache. An hour and a half sitting on Alex’s bed one night trying to figure out how to give it _any_ other alarm tone was spent in vain when it went off in John’s hands, scaring the shit out of him, and Alex laughed at him from his desk and John had gone to sleep in a bad mood.

Alex pulls his phone out of his pocket now and hums, “I have to go.” he says, standing up, explaining to John without being prompted that he’s meeting a girl from some class, “Maybe to study, maybe to have sex. We’ll see how it goes.”

“Uh, meet back here later, I guess?” John says awkwardly, since Alex is already halfway out the door.

“Yeah, sure!” Alex says over his shoulder, and then he’s gone.

…

John changes for the party, secretly wanting to look cool for strangers, not that he’d ever admit such a thing. He’s glad by now his hair is starting to look normal, instead of being stuck at the halfway point between the short cut he’d had for years and the length he wants it to be. He spends a little bit of time working on something for class, but he realizes Alex never actually told him what _time_ the party is, so he sets it aside and puts his shoes on and lays halfway on his bed with his phone charging. He checks his appearance with his phone rather than going all the way to the bathrooms, but then he decides to go anyways.

He digs around in his drawers for something, and then pulls out an old concealer stick - the only makeup he’s ever used - and takes it with him. In the mirror he uses some on his chin and rubs it in with just his fingers, then tosses it in his pocket and spends a little bit longer than he feels comfortable saying making sure his hair looks good with his beanie.

When he comes back to his room, he lays back on his bed and gets back on his phone. He doesn’t even notice he’s dozed off until Alex is shaking him awake.

John sits up, disoriented, “What time is it?”

“Seven thirty-ish.” Alex says, “You were asleep.”

“Yeah. Sorry.” John says, and unplugs his phone, “Are we still going?”

“Yeah!” Alex says, “Aaron said he’d meet up with us. He looked the address up on his phone. It’s not a long walk. Let’s go.”

They walk together and meet Aaron about halfway, who seemed to have the same idea as John and was trying to secretly look nice for strangers. Alex, in comparison, hasn’t changed since he got back from whatever he ended up doing with that girl, and John is almost certain he slept in the shirt he’s wearing the night before.

It’s already dark by the time they get to the house, which is already lively with partygoers. It doesn’t take long for the three of them to slip inside and blend in with the rest of the people there, nor for them to each acquire their own red cup.

“What is this?” Aaron asks, turning to look at John, who’s taking a sip.

“Alcohol.” he says, when he lowers his cup, and Aaron frowns at him and John just grins.

They hover near each other awkwardly for a few minutes, before Alex finally says, “Aaron - I’m gonna go look for the hot teaching assistant. Do you wanna come with?”

“I’m good.” Aaron says, and Alex shrugs and disappears.

“So how hot is this teaching assistant?” John asks after a moment, and Aaron kind of rolls is eyes.

“He’s…” he hesitates, “He’s definitely easy on the eyes. A lot of the girls in our class kind of fawn over him. You know, because he’s attractive and he speaks French and all that.”

“Seems Alex isn’t exempt from the fawning.” John comments, and Aaron definitely rolls his eyes this time.

“I have never, in all my life, met someone like him.” Aaron says, “He decides he finds someone attractive and then all he cares about concerning them is getting into their pants.” he pauses, then glances around then looks back to John, “Sorry, that was kind of blunt.” he takes a sip from his cup, “Honestly, I couldn’t care less. Just something I noticed.”

John doesn’t really believe that Aaron’s casualty is, well, casual, but he lets it go. He slips away from Aaron and occupies himself with wandering around the house. After a while he finishes his drink and goes about finding another one. He’s hovering on the edge of a circle of people in the kitchen, just listening to a funny anecdote, when suddenly Mary is looming over him.

“What’s in that cup?” she says, and it’s less of a question and more of a demand.

John starts and jerks away from her, “Jesus!” he says, and the people standing in the circle give him a strange look and then close him out of it. He looks back at his sister, frustrated, “What was that for?!”

“What are you drinking?” she demands, and John turns his whole body away from her.

“Nothing.” he says defensively, and she reaches over his shoulder and tries to grab the cup out of his hand and he jerks away from her even further, “Hey, fuck off!” he says, trying to walk away from her.

She follows him, “Show me what’s in the cup!”

“It’s nothing!” John says, then because there’s not much left in his cup he lifts it up and drinks the rest of it as fast as he can.

“Jack!” she snaps, and grabs the cup out of his hands and pulls it away from him; the tiny amount that he hadn’t gotten to yet dribbles down his chin.

“I’m eighteen!” John argues, wiping his chin with his sleeve, “I can do what I want!”

“Yeah! Except drink! You have to be twenty-one for that, idiot!” his sister snaps; he pushes her away but she grabs his wrist, “How much have you had?”

“I’ve barely been here and hour, let me live.” John whines.

“How _much_ have you _had.”_ She asks again, scowling at him.

He pulls his hand out of her grip, “Two.”

She looks down at him for a moment, “What are you even doing here.”

“My roommate is trying to get laid.” John says vaguely, “And he didn’t want to come alone and I like alcohol.”

“You had like half a glass of wine at Christmas last year and couldn’t stop laughing! You’re going to get yourself killed.” Mary insists.

“I’m _fine.”_ John says, “You’re not exactly a saint. You used to keep a bottle of Jack Daniels under your mattress and it cracked and broke and got whisky all over your bed.”

“That was for special occasions!” Mary argues.

“Yeah, every Saturday night!” John snaps, “You’re such a hypocrite!”

“You are a lightweight! You’re gonna be out like a light if you keep drinking!” Mary says, “And you know dad hates it when you wear your hat inside!”

“Why do you care about my fucking beanie!” John says, “It’s just a hat and I look good in it! Oh my god, just leave me alone.”

“I’m trying to make sure you don’t die.” Mary says, following him, “Do you even know what you were just drinking? You’re gonna get drugged or something!”

“I’m fine!” John snaps, “I’m not a girl! Just leave me alone!”

“Hey, John!” Alex is suddenly standing next to him and holding his arm; he’s grinning and the ponytail his hair was in has come a little loose, “John, John come here I wanna show you something.” Alex says, and it’s obvious if he hasn’t had more to drink than John, he must be less tolerant.

John gives his sister a look, and she gives him one right back; they hold it like that for a second before she shoves his cup back in his hand and disappears back into the kitchen. As soon as John looks back to Alex, he’s being dragged through groups of people until they finally stop in front of a couch where Aaron is sitting to the side and a very beautiful man is perched in the middle.

He stands when John and Alex stop in front of him, and he’s very tall and before John can stop himself he says, “Oh, wow.”

The man laughs and John covers his mouth with the hand that isn’t holding his empty cup, his face hot. Alex lets go of them and snakes around to grab the man's arm, “John,” he says, leaning against him a little bit, “John, this dude is _seventeen._ He’s a _baby.”_

“I turn eighteen in less than a month.” the man says, and his voice is very nice and thick with an accent that John can’t place. He introduces himself as Lafayette and shakes John’s hand and John struggles not to look startled.

“Cool.” he says, completely unprompted, and Laf gives him a look and John blushes even harder, “Are you sitting on the couch? I’m gonna - uh - I need to go get another drink.”

He takes as long as he can getting a new drink, and when he comes back to the couch Laf and Alex are sitting down towards the middle and Aaron is still perched on the very side. Alex has taken it upon himself to drape himself over Laf as much as he can get away with without spilling his drink.

Aaron takes a sip from his cup, then stands abruptly and says, “I’ll be right back.” and leaves.

John takes his spot on the couch and the three of them sit there awkwardly; well, Laf and John are awkward. Alex still seems to have it in his head that hooking up with Laf is a possibility.

Laf glances over at him and says something too soft for John to hear in the party atmosphere.

“What?” he says back, and Laf leans towards him.

“I said I like your hat!” he says, louder this time.

John smooths his hair down, “Thanks.” he says, then hides his grin by taking a sip of his drink.

“So you’re a teaching assistant?” John asks after a moment.

“Oh, yeah.” Laf says, “I speak French.” he pauses awkwardly, “I’m French.”

“Oh, cool.” John says, “I speak Spanish.”

“Oh, you’re Spanish?” Laf asks.

“No.” John says, and Laf looks confused and then a bit sheepish and the conversation fizzles out.

John drinks almost half his drink before Laf looks at him again, “Is he yours?” he asks, referring to Alex, who’s still leaning on him.

John looks at Alex, whose face is very flushed and who's kind of embarrassing himself, “I don’t know if I want to claim him.” he admits.

Laf laughs, “He’s in one of my classes.”

“I know. He talks about you a lot.” John says, and then continues because he’s had almost three drinks, “He wants to have sex with you.”

He laughs again, and then looks down at Alex and then back at John, “I think he’s a little drunk for that.”

“I should probably get him home.” John says, and Laf hesitates for a second and then wraps Alex’s arm over his shoulder and stands up with him.

John stands up, “Oh, no, no, no,” he says quickly, “I can do that, don’t worry about it.”

“Nah, it’s okay.” Laf says, “Where does he live?”

John tells him where their dorm room is and he nods, “That’s not bad at all.” he says, “I have a car.” he adds, which definitely persuades John to let him help take Alex home. A three minute car ride would be much preferred to having to walk Alex home.

John stands on Alex’s other side and drapes his other arm over his shoulder; it’s not like Alex can’t walk, or anything, but John can tell he wouldn’t be persuaded to leave the party or let go of Laf if they tried. They get as far as the porch before John remembers something and stops.

“Oh, hang on,” he says, then goes to grab his phone but then remembers he doesn’t even have Aaron’s number.

“What’s wrong?” Laf asks.

“The other guy inside, Aaron, I want to let him know we’re leaving in case he wants to leave, too.” John says, “but I don’t have his number…” he trails off, dragging the word out, and then he looks at Alex for a second, “Alex, I’m gonna do something real quick.” he says, and then with no other warning he reaches into Alex’s front pocket to grab his phone.

“Wha - heyyyy!” Alex says loudly, squirming, “at least take me to dinner first.” he adds, his words slurred, and Laf snickers.

John steps away from him, Alex’s phone in his hand and his face hot, and he opens it up.

“Is that a flip phone?” Laf asks, and John grins, but doesn’t say anything.

After a few moments of struggling, he finally texts Aaron to say that he and Alex are leaving (he leaves out the part about the beautiful teaching assistant giving them a ride) and it takes another several moments for Aaron to respond with _k._

John huffs and decides to put Alex’s phone in his own pocket for safekeeping, then they walk him to Laf’s car. They get Alex to lay down in the backseat and John sits up front with Laf.

Once they start driving John glances back at Alex and then up at Laf, “I’m really sorry.” he says, “If I had known when we got here he was going to get sloppy drunk I wouldn’t have told him to go.”

Laf just kind of shrugs, “It’s okay.” he says, “We all get sloppy drunk sometimes.”

John laughs at that, maybe a little harder than he should, and when he stops he says, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’ve also been drinking.”

“I know.”

John takes a deep breath, “You’re very attractive.”

Laf glances at him, a bit wearily, and John shakes his head a little too fast and makes himself dizzy, “I’m not - uh - oh god,” he pauses and holds his head, “I should be illegal to talk.”

“What?” Laf says.

“Oh, god, I don’t know.” John says, “I think I’m drunk.”

Laf drops them off outside their building and John and Alex walk back to their dorm leaning on each other. Once they get inside, John is planning on dropping Alex on his bed and waiting for him to go to sleep before he starts to get ready to lay down, but as Alex is flopping down he grabs John by the jacket he’s wearing and pulls him down with him.

They land in a heap on Alex’s bed, and Alex wraps his arms around him and hums and John suddenly feels so tired he wishes he could stay like that. He can’t, though; he needs to change and take his binder off and at the very least take his shoes off.

“We’re still wearing shoes.” John says as he peels himself away from Alex. He whines, but it’s at least a valid excuse. John takes his shoes and his jacket and his hat off and then takes Alex’s shoes off for him. He checks to make sure Alex isn’t looking and then he exchanges his shirt for his sweatshirt and does his best to take his binder off underneath that.

He’s discreetly putting it in his drawer when Alex whines his name, and John looks at him over his shoulder anxiously, “Yeah?”

Alex doesn’t say anything, he just reaches a hand out towards John, so he walks over to the edge of his bed. “What?” he tries to ask, but Alex grabs his wrist with a surprisingly strong grip and pulls him back down on the bed.

“Alex!” John says, blushing, but Alex just wraps his arms around John again and says, “Our shoes are off.”

John can’t argue with him there; he tries to think of another excuse, but as he’s doing so Alex falls asleep. John blinks at him in the dark, and he starts to get up but Alex shifts and whines again and John sighs.

If he’s being honest, it’s not the worst way the night could have ended, so after a few moments of deciding what he should do John wraps an arm around Alex and falls asleep curled up with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning!! this chapter contains the most extreme display of transphobia in the fic, as well as recreational drug use, the q slur and a bit of blood/fighting.

John wakes up hungover the next morning in Alex’s bed, alone, and when he checks his phone he understands why - it’s almost one o’clock. He groans and ignores all the notifications he has and rolls over, hiding his face in one of the pillows. He lays there for a few moments before he realizes he’s not laying in his bed, and then he sits up too fast and makes himself dizzy.

He sinks back onto the bed and recounts blurry memories. They couldn’t have even been at the party for more than an hour and a half, and John kind of resents Alex for making it such a big ordeal. He wonders if Alex even remembers enough to be embarrassed.

John thinks about getting up to get out of Alex’s bed, and in doing so he remembers going to sleep in his bed cuddled up next to Alex and his face gets hot. He gets out from underneath the covers and then he realizes he’s still wearing his jeans, so he takes them off and crawls into his own bed, which is very cold compared to Alex’s, in just his sweatshirt and his boxers.

He’s dozing off again when someone knocks on the door and he jerks awake, suddenly feeling very bitter. He curls in on himself a little bit, but after a moment the knocking persists and it doesn’t stop, so John climbs out of bed and puts his jeans back on and unlocks the door angrily.

“Oh.” he says when he opens it to find his sister, “It’s just you.” he adds, now wishing he hadn’t taken the time to put his pants back on.

She frowns at him, “Did you just wake up?” she asks.

John looks away from her, “What do you want?”

“To make sure you didn’t die last night.” Mary says, “I didn’t mean to make you upset, but you kind of freaked me out. I wasn’t expecting to see you there. Or to see you drinking, I guess.”

John waves her off, “Can I go back to bed?”

His sister huffs at him, “I wanted to know if you wanted to go get food.”

John makes a face, obviously conflicted between food and sleep, then he says, “I need to shower.”

“Then go shower, dumbass.” Mary tells him, and John punches her shoulder lightly and turns around to get his stuff.

…

“Why on Earth do you like that hat so much?” Mary asks after John has gotten his shower, “Is it just because dad doesn’t like it when you wear it?”

“Dad doesn’t like it when I wear it inside.” John corrects her, fixing the beanie on his head, “And I think I look cool.”

Mary looks at him up and down, “You look like a stoner.”

John laughs, then he says, “Maybe that’s the goal.”

She hums disapprovingly, “I can tolerate you drinking, but if you become a pothead I will absolutely tell dad.”

“You’re such a square.” John tells her.

“Did you just call me a square?” she asks, her eyebrows raised, “What is this, the 1950s?”

“Did you just come here to rag on me or are we going to get food?” John asks, so they walk.

“So who was that guy last night?” Mary asks after a few minutes, “Your boyfriend?”

“No.” John says, too fast and too defensively; he clears his throat and tries again, “He’s just my roommate.”

“Dude got _hammered.”_ Mary says, “Has he never drank before or what?”

John starts to answer, then pauses, “Actually, I don’t know.” he says, “Maybe not. He was trying to hook up with this guy - ”

“Yeah, Gilbert.” Mary says, and John shakes his head.

“No, this guy Lafayette - ”

“Yeah, that’s Gilbert.” Mary says, “My - uh,” she seems to catch herself, clears her throat and tries again, “My friend has been studying French and she met him at the beginning of the year. He has like a billion names, but I guess he started introducing himself with his last one. He really seems to hate the way American people say Gilbert.”

John thinks about that for a second, “Gilbert isn’t really a name that suits him.” he says, “He’s way too attractive.”

Mary glances at him, “You think so?”

John stammers, “I mean - you - you don’t think so?”

Mary shrugs, “I guess he’s attractive.”

“You guess..?” John says softly, mostly to himself, and Mary laughs.

They get food, and while they’re eating Mary remembers something while she’s chewing and she frantically signals to John that that something is very important.

He sets his fork down and rests his head on his hands, “What?”

Mary finished the food she has in her mouth, then she says, “You were at the party with another guy, right?”

“Oh, uh, Aaron?” John asks.

“Aaron,” Mary says, “Was he the one with the shaved head? Dark skin, a little shorter than you? Wearing that dorky sweater vest?”

John grins, “Yeah, that was Aaron.”

Mary taps her hand on the table, and John suddenly notices her nails aren’t as long as they were in South Carolina, but what she says nexts completely distracts him from that, “I caught him making out with my friend Theo in one of the rooms upstairs last night.”

John starts to gasp, then immediately covers his mouth and then dissolves into giggles, “That’s hilarious.”

“That’s not even the best part,” Mary says, “Theo is engaged.”

John covers his mouth again and sinks down in his chair, “That’s kind of terrible.”

“Kind of,” Mary says, rolling her eyes, “but I think they were going to break up anyways.” she pauses and then looks at John, “They were _really_ going at it.”

“That’s so funny.” John says, “Dude shows up to a party is a sweater vest and hooks up with someone who’s _engaged.”_

…

Mary walks John back to his dorm after they eat, and when he comes inside he barely says hi to Alex before he turns around in his chair to face him, “Did we have sex?”

John blinks, stunned, “No.”

“Oh, okay.” Alex says, grinning, “I didn’t think so, because we both still had our clothes on, but we were asleep in the same bed.”

“Oh,” John says, his face hot, “Yeah. That was your idea.” he pauses, “I mean, you didn’t really pitch it to me, you just dragged me down and wouldn’t let me leave.”

“My bad.” Alex says, “I guess you were warm. I was really drunk, wasn’t I?”

“ _Really_ drunk.” John confirms, “Was that your first time drinking?”

“First time drinking excessively.” Alex says.

“Aw, dude, come on,” John says, “You should have warned me.”

“I didn’t think I was going to do _that.”_ Alex says, then is quiet for a moment, “What _did_ I do, exactly?”

“You were very dependant on Lafayette for, um, not falling on your face.” John says, “And I think it was very obvious that you wanted to get into his pants. But other than losing most function in your legs, you didn’t do much.”

Alex nods, “Okay, good.” he says, and then abruptly turns around to continue working on what he has sitting on the desk.

John lays down on his bed, and after a few minutes of messing with his phone he remembers something, “Oh, hey,” he says, and Alex doesn’t respond, “Alex?”

“Hm?” he says, still not looking up, so John sets his phone down and continues.

“I was at lunch with my sister and she said she saw Burr making out with some guy upstairs at the party last night.” John says.

“What?!” Alex yells, turning to face John; he grabs the edge of his chair excitedly, “Really?! You’re sure it was a guy?”

“My sister said it was some guy named Theo.” John says, “Sounds like a guy.”

“Oh, my God,” Alex says, “That lying bastard, he’s totally bi.”

John chuckles, “I guess you can say so if they become a couple.”

Alex taps his knuckles on the desk, “No,” he says, “I don’t want to wait that long.”

John frowns, “What?”

“I wanna ask him about it.” Alex says, standing up, “He can’t deny it then.”

“Woah, hey,” John says, sitting up on his bed, “Alex, you should wait for him to come to you.”

“He won’t come to me, he knows I’ll be smug if he admits to it!” Alex says, “I’m gonna go to his dorm and wait for him to get back from class - ”

“Alex,” John says, sitting up, “Outing someone isn’t worth proving a point.”

“It’s not outing if there’s no one else there and you already know.” Alex says.

“Yes is _is.”_ John insists, “If he’s not ready to tell you, then you’re forcing him to admit to something he might not be ready to talk about.”

“If he’s making out with guys, he’s ready to talk about it.” Alex counters.

“No, he’s not.” John says seriously, “If he was ready to talk about it, you would _know.”_

“If he’s not ready to talk about it, he shouldn’t be making out with guys at a party where anyone can see him.” Alex says; he moves to grab his jacket, but John grabs his arm.

“Alex.” he says, “I’m serious. If you _make_ him come out to you, that’s really shitty.”

“I’m not _making_ him.” Alex insists, pushing John’s hand off him, “I already know he was making out with a guy. I just want to hear him say it.”

“Alex, you’re being a dick.” John says, “If he wanted to tell you he was bi, he would have told you. He’s not ready. You’re going to make him uncomfortable.”

“I’m not being a dick!” Alex says, “ _I’m_ bi, so I think I know a little bit about this, okay? Does it make me shitty if I point out that you’re transgender? Because just because you haven’t _told_ me - ”

It had been exactly eleven months, one week, thirteen days, and six hours since the last time John had punched someone in the face. He had almost forgotten how cathartic it felt. John knows it's a bad decision, an irrational decision, a stupid decision, even as he does it, but in the moment where his fist was connecting with Alex’s face, he completely forgot how satisfied he had been with himself in the past months when he hadn’t let his temper get away from him.

Alex stumbled backwards, his hand now raised to cover his face; he looked shocked. John was breathing heavily, clearly struggling to keep himself from doing anything else. He stands up straight and turns away from Alex, “That does make you shitty.” he says bitterly, and then he opens the door and he’s gone.

…

It’s almost four p.m. by the time John gets to his sister’s apartment, and as he knocks on the door he’s shaking. He can’t figure out if it’s because he’s angry, or because he’s been trying to keep himself from crying, or because it’s starting to get cold out and he doesn’t have a jacket. His sister takes forever to answer the door, and by the time she does there are tears finally starting to well in John’s eyes.

“Mary,” he says, “I just punched my roommate in the face, and now I feel like I’m gonna die, I’m so mad.”

She stares at him for a long time, then says, “John.”

“What?” he says, his voice cracking, “What are you doing? Can I please come in?”

A vague look of distress passes over her face, “Uh…”

John stares back at her for a moment, then squints, “Are you high?”

Mary doesn’t answer him.

“You fucking hypocrite.” John says, “Well, let me in! I feel like I’m about to die. Let me join you.”

Mary lets him in and closes the door, “You wanna join?”

“Yes.” John says.

Mary is quiet for a moment, “I don’t think - ”

“Mary,” John says, “Please don’t make me plead my whole case to you. I just punched Alex in the face and I’m _mad_ and just let me do this.”

Mary bites her lip, then says, “Jack,”

“Mary, I’m gonna call dad right fucking now!” John yells, which he knows is juvenile but he’s in too terrible of a mood to care.

Mary winces, “Okay, okay,” she says, raising her hands in defeat, “Okay,” she says again, and then she grabs John’s wrist and drags him down the hall.

…

The next morning John wakes up early because there are no blinds in the living room. He’s laying on the couch, clutching a throw pillow to his chest, and when he shifts he hisses and sits up slowly.

He tosses the throw pillow to the side, “I hate myself,” he whispers over and over again as he reaches under his shirt to take his binder off. Once he pulls it off he lays back down on the couch, wincing, and puts his hands over his face.

“You fall asleep with your binder on again?” Mary asks from where she’s standing in the doorway, startling him.

He looks up at her, “Yeah.” he says quietly, embarrassed, “Please don’t tell dad.”

“I’m not going to, idiot.” she says, walking past him, “Do you want food?”

John spends the rest of the morning explaining to his sister exactly why he came over the day before, because she definitely didn’t comprehend the story while she was high, and he stopped being able to tell it when he joined her.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to kill him?” Mary asks while John is using the kitchen sink to rinse off the dried blood on his knuckles he didn’t wash off yesterday.

“No.” John says vaguely.

“Is any of that blood his?” she asks, and John huffs.

“I’m positive it’s all mine.” he says, “I just split my knuckles. I really hope this fucking heals before Thanksgiving.”

“Ah, you’ve got like a month.” Mary says, waving him off, “And my offer to kill your roommate will remain on the table.”

…

John stops by their dorm to change when he knows Alex will be at work, and then he goes to class. Normally, on a Sunday, by the time he gets back from class, Alex is still out, but when John comes back he’s sitting on his bed.

John sets his bag down and it makes a loud sound when it hits the ground; for a long moment it’s the only noise that passes between them.

“You’re usually at the library.” John says dryly.

“I know.” Alex says, “But I think I need to apologize to you.”

“You do.” John says, “Start.”

Alex stands up off the bed, “I didn’t mean to upset you - ”

“Bad start.” John cuts him off, “Try again.”

Alex blinks, clearly not expecting that; he thinks for a moment, “I made you upset, and I’m sorry, because I was being really shitty.” he pauses, “I just - I thought you already _knew_ that I knew and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I didnt think you'd need to hit me over it.”

“You’re derailing again.” John says, “This is a really shitty apology.”

“Okay, I’m sorry.” Alex said, “I had something prepared but you threw me off. You're not exactly innocent.”

“How about you apologize for putting me on the spot like that.” John snaps.

“You said yourself you were queer!” Alex argues.

“I did _not_ tell you I was trans!” John says, “You put me on the spot, and that wasn’t fair, especially because I’ve been trying to keep it from coming up! If you thought so, you should’ve just fucking asked!”

“Okay!” Alex says, “I’m sorry I didn’t fucking ask!”

“Oh, that was very sincere.” John says, “You have such a way with words.”

“Shut up!” Alex snaps, “I’m trying, okay? Why is it even that big of a deal to you?”

“Because!” John struggles to find a way to describe the anger he’s feeling, “Look, Alex, I don’t know how long you’ve known you were bi, but I have not really been doing great in regards to my identity. Not everyone is as secure in it as you are! And I’m definitely not! You were the first person I got to introduce myself to since I came out to my family, and the first thing you asked me was if I was actually a boy.” He pauses and looks away from him and struggles to keep himself from tearing up, “If you had just _asked_ about it, I wouldn’t have been mad. Maybe kind of awkward, but not mad, unless you’re gonna keep being a huge dick.”

Alex stares at him for a moment, “I asked you if you were straight.”

“You didn’t ask me if I was trans, you asked me if I was _straight_.” John snaps, “And for the record, I’m not. Glad we got that out of the way so you don’t have to spring another surprise attack on me.”

Alex swallows, and his hands fidget at his sides for a moment before he says, “Look, I’m not _trying_ to be a dick.”

“But you’re being one!” John snaps.

“I know!” Alex says loudly; he clears his throat, then speaks softer, “I know I am, but I’m not trying to. It’s not intentional. I'm sorry I made you mad. But if I say something upsetting in the future, can you at least tell me instead of going straight for punching me in the face? Like, can you say something? Like…” he hesitates, “Like a safeword?”

John makes a face at the term he picked to use, “Yeah. Fine. How about I say ‘Alex, you’re being a dick’ every time you’re being a dick.”

Alex bites his lip and nods, “I guess that’s fair.” he says quietly, “And I _am_ really sorry. I wish I could convey that better.”

“Turn your fucking lamp off tonight when I go to bed.” John says, “That’s a good way to apologize, being considerate of your roommate.”

Alex tilts his head a little bit, “You said you didn’t mind that.”

“I lied.” John says, “I can’t sleep with the light.”

“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” Alex asks, and John makes a noise of protest and they lapse into silence.

John looks down at his shoes, “I’m sorry I punched you in the face.”

Alex touches his jaw where John landed the hit, “I guess it's fine.”

John looks up at him, "It's not really fine." he says, "I should've done, like, anything but that. I'm really sorry."

Alex kind of shrugs, looking away, "Well, you got the message across." he says, "And it's not like you can take it back. You responded the way you responded. I forgive you."

Alex’s phone goes off with that terrible, shrill sound, and they both wince. “Sorry.” Alex says, and he grabs his phone off his desk and opens it and reads what the alarm says.

He shuts it and slides it in his pocket, and then he remembers something, “Oh, funny story.” he says, and John looks up at him, frowning, “I talked to Aaron - not as, uh, aggressively,” he adds when John makes a face, “at you’re, uh,” he touches the spot on his jaw where John hit him again; there’s a bruise there, and John winces at the sight, “suggestion. And, uh,” he pauses, “Theo is a girl.”

John blinks, “Fucking figures.”

“We could’ve avoided this whole thing if your sister had just told you ‘Theo’ was short for ‘Theodosia.’” Alex says, and then he forces a little laugh, but stops when John doesn’t even smile, “I’m still really sorry. And I hope you can forgive me.”

John rolls his eyes, and after a moment he says, “I forgive you. I'm really sorry, too.”

Alex's face breaks out in a bright grin, “Well, then, we can only improve from here." he says, "I really have to go, but I’ll be back later. And I’ll, uh, turn my lamp off when you go to bed tonight.”

“Thanks.” John says.

“Thanks for, uh,” Alex pauses, rubbing his jaw again, “knocking some sense into me.”

John looks away from him, "That's not funny." he says, but he's smiling.

"It's a little funny." Alex says, "Gotta make light of it somehow. I'll see you later."

He leaves, and John feels a strange mix in the pit of his stomach of guilt and affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lemme know if you Disagree with how I did anything in this chapter, the last thing I want to do is make anyone upset with how i wrote this. this is gonna be the last of anything that really deals in detail with John being trans, but of course it will still come up casually in the future, just nothing quite as major. thank you for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up this chapter contains recreational drug use and pineapple on pizza discourse

The rest of the space between Alex and John’s fight and Thanksgiving break passes without any incident, although that may be due to the slight tensity between them. To solve the lamp problem, Alex stays at the library rather than coming into the room at night. John doesn’t know what time he comes in to go to bed, and he’s always gone again by the time he wakes up. They see less of each other in the month leading up to Thanksgiving than John would prefer, but he supposes that might be what he gets for punching his roommate in the face.

The night he gets back to the school from South Carolina, he’s sitting on his bed on his phone when Alex comes in. It’s the first time he’s seen him in almost two weeks, and John immediately perks up.

“Oh, hey.” Alex says as he takes his jacket off; it’s covered in little flecks of snow, “How was Carolina?”

“Fine.” John says, setting his phone down, “On Wednesday my sister and I drove for like an hour to go surprise her friend with ice cream and when we got there her friend wasn’t even in town so we spent the night eating Chick-fil-A in her car in a parking lot.”

Alex nods, smiling, “Interesting.” he says, “Did your dad get onto you about your hat?”

“Only a million times.” John says, “Did you do anything?”

Alex shrugs, “Stayed here. Worked. Read ahead for class.” he says, “I just came back here to change.”

“Do you want to hang out for a bit?” John asks.

“Me and Laf were actually gonna go get food.” Alex says, and then he pauses for a moment, “Do you wanna come with?”

John hesitates, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, totally.” Alex says, “He’s bringing another friend, let’s all go, it’ll be fun.”

Alex changes and John puts on his shoes and they meet Lafayette outside their building. Alex sits in the passenger seat and John sits in the back. 

“So who’s your friend?” Alex asks, and Laf makes a humming noise as he’s checking his phone before he pulls off.

“His name is Hercules.” he says, and John notices that his accent isn’t as thick as it was when they first met, “He’s trying to talk me into going to his apartment instead. Says he doesn’t wanna go out.”

“That doesn’t sound terrible.” Alex says, “I’ve been on my feet all day, I wouldn’t mind taking my shoes off.”

“Where does he live?” John asks.

Laf doesn’t respond for a moment, still staring at his phone, then he says, “He’s sending me the address.” he sets his phone hastily in Alex’s lap, “Will you be navigator?”

“Sure.” Alex says, picking the phone up; he turns to look back at John, “That just means I hold the phone and repeat the directions he didn’t hear.”

“Shut up.” Laf says, and John snickers.

…

“What floor does this guy live on, anyways?” Alex asks as they round the corner of the stairwell for the third time.

Laf checks his phone, his other hand lightly tracing the rail, “Fifth.”

“Oh, my God,” Alex whines, “I’m gonna die.”

“Quit whining.” Laf says over his shoulder, a smile on his face, “He didn’t choose the elevator to be out of order to make your life harder.”

“What?” John asks, and Laf throws him a look.

“You know it’s not my first language.” he says, “I’ve had a long day.”

“Fair.” John says, and then he passes Alex on the stairs to tease him, which Alex takes as a challenge and then they’re racing up the rest of the flight until they get to the fourth floor landing, where Alex has to stop to catch his breath. John waits for him halfway up the next flight of stairs.

Laf rounds the corner and walks past him, “Weak.” he says.

“Shut up!” Alex says, his voice echoing in the stairwell and a grin on his face; he shoves Laf, who barley reacts to it, “I’m sorry I’m not at the gym every time someone wants to hang out with me!” he adds, which makes John laugh.

They get to the fifth floor and, after a brief argument over which hall to go down, Alex smuggly leads them to apartment 231. “I have a very natural sense of direction.” he claims.

“You have a very natural sense of being a jackass.” Laf says, and Alex trips him.

It takes Hercules a minute to come to the door, but when he opens it he lets them in before he greets them. “So this is the famous Alexander.” he comments as he shakes Alex’s hand, “I heard you got drunk and tried to sleep with Laf.”

Alex is blushing, “That might’ve been me.”

They sit in the living room; Hercules sits on the floor because they can’t all fit on the couch. His goal was to make room for his guests to sit there, but Laf follows his example and then they all end up on the carpet. 

“What are good pizza toppings?” Hercules asks after a beat of silence.

“Cheese.” Alex says immediately.

“No  _ shit.”  _ Laf snaps, a smile on his face, and Alex flips him off.

“Cheese.” Hercules notes, “That’s a good start. I’m assuming you can’t go wrong with pepperoni?”

“Can’t.” Laf says.

“More than one kind of cheese.” Alex says.

“Can you shut up about cheese?” Laf says, grinning.

“I can’t shut up about anything.” Alex retorts.

“More than one cheese.” Hercule ponders, “That’s fair. What else?”

“Peppers.” Laf says.

“Peppers.” Hercules repeats.

“Ew, wait, what kind of peppers?” Alex asks, “Bell peppers are fine, but if you’re talking about banana peppers please choke.”

“Bell peppers.” Laf says, “But since you’re so opposed to banana peppers I will now advocate for them specifically.”

“Ugh, kill me.” Alex says, leaning back against the couch.

“Bell peppers.” Hercules repeats, “Anything else?”

“Pineapple.” John says.

Laf and Alex look at him pointedly, “ _ What _ ?” Laf says.

“Pineapple.” John repeats, “It’s good.”

“That’s disgusting.” Alex says.

“It is not disgusting!” John says.

“Fruit doesn’t belong on pizza.” Laf says.

“Um, a tomato is a fruit and it gets spread on the  _ entire _ pizza.” John argues.

“That’s different, pineapple is sweet.” Laf says, “Sweet doesn’t belong on a pizza.”

“Pineapple on pizza is not bad!” John insists.

“So you smoked weed once and now you have terrible eating habits, is that it?” Alex asks.

“ _ No _ .” John says, “I’ve smoked weed  _ thrice  _ and pineapple on pizza is not a bad eating habit!”

“It’s not that bad.” Hercules says.

“Oh, my God, I can’t believe I am friends with you.” Laf says, looking over at him, “I came over here, to your apartment,  _ willingly,  _ and you want to put fruit on a pizza.”

“John, I will share a pineapple pizza with you.” Hercules says.

“Thank you.” John says, “At least I’m in the company of one sane person.”

…

Thursday night, it warms up unexpectedly, and the snow that’s been falling starts to melt. Friday night, it storms, and it’s not cold enough for it to be snow, so it sleets. The droplets make ugly sounds outside while John is trying to fall asleep.

Alex is laying in bed, his back to John. The lights are off, but his eyes are adjusted and he can tell that Alex isn’t asleep; he keeps moving around and sighing and checking the time. John checks it on his own phone; it’s barley ten o’clock. Alex never goes to sleep this early.

John is thinking about asking him what’s up, when Alex rolls over, “Hey.” he says when he sees that John is awake.

“Hey.” John says back, grinning.

“I can’t sleep.” Alex says bluntly.

“It’s not nearly your bedtime.” John says, “You should be studying.”

“Nothing to study for.” Alex says vaguely, “I mean - maybe I could try.” he glances at his desk, but as he does so it thunders outside. It’s loud, because the storm is right on top of them now, and they both flinch at the sudden noise.

Alex sighs, his shoulders still tense, “No, I don’t want to get out of bed.” he rationalizes to himself.

“You good?” John asks.

“Fine.” Alex says, but it sounds more automatic than true. He thinks about it for a moment, then says, “I can’t tell if I’m having an anxiety attack or not.”

“Oh?” John says.

“I don’t think I am.” Alex tells him, “I usually cry when I do. I haven’t had one in a while. I just feel really anxious. In my stomach. My hands are sweaty.”

“Not a fan of storms?” John asks.

“Who likes storms?” Alex says defensively.

“My sister likes the sound of rain.” John says.

“Sound of rain grates on my ears.” Alex says, “Usually I can’t hear it. I haven’t slept in a room where you can hear rain in a while.”

“Thunder?” John asks.

“Not a big deal.” Alex says, “It’s just the sound of lightning.”

“It’s sleeting tonight.” John says, “It’s not cold enough to snow.”

Alex wrinkles his nose, “Really not liking the sound of sleet.” he says, “‘S making me think bad thoughts.”

“Like what?” John asks.

Alex rolls over onto his back and pulls the blanket over his face; he stays like that for a moment, then he pushes it back down, “Apparently when I was a kid I slept through storms all the time.”

“Oh?” John says.

“It didn’t used to bother me.” Alex says, “And then - like.” he pauses, “I don’t know. It was raining one day while I was at school and when I got off the bus it was still going so I had to walk my apartment. It was really cold. And like, mushy.”

“Sleet.” John says.

“That’s such a weird word.” Alex says, rolling his eyes, “Sleet.” he repeats, “God. Anyways, I got super sick.”

“Maybe that’s why you don’t like it.” John suggests.

“Maybe.” Alex says vaguely.

John stares at him for a moment; his face is twisted up in an expression that John can’t quite place. He clears his throat, then says, “Is there something else - ?”

“What’s it like being high?” Alex asks suddenly, looking over at him.

John blinks, startled by the question, “Uh,” he says, “Nice, I guess?”

“How does it feel?” Alex asks.

“I don’t know.” John says, “Nice? That’s the only word I can really think of to describe it. Have you ever been drunk? Wait, yes you have, I was there. It’s sort of like being drunk, but I don’t feel as sad.” he pauses, “I get sad when I’m drunk. But maybe that’s just me.”

“I don’t really like being drunk.” Alex says.

“Me neither.” John says, “But being high is nice. It’s like… softer. Yeah, it just makes everything softer.”

“Is it calming?” Alex asks.

“Yeah.” John says thoughtfully, “Calming. Yeah, that’s a good word for it. It makes me really tired.”

Alex looks up at the ceiling, and John bites his lip, “Why do you ask?”

Alex shifts again, and then it thunders again and John understands, “I… have a blunt… if you’re interested.”

Alex glances at him, “I’ve never been high before.”

“It might calm you down.” John says.

“What if we get caught?” Alex asks.

“Go make sure the door is locked.” John says; he sits up and opens his bedside drawer and digs for a moment before he pulls out an altoids tin and a lighter; inside the tin isn’t mints, but a blunt given to him by his sister.

Alex climbs out of bed and makes sure the door is locked, then John moves over in his bed and Alex slides under his duvet next to him, leaning against the headboard. John holds the blunt between his lips as he ignites the lighter, “How pissed are you gonna be about the smell later?” he asks.

“Probably only mildly unless I really hate how it smells.” Alex says quietly, and John snickers.

He lights the blunt then tosses the extinguished lighter over Alex onto his nightstand, “Have you ever smoked a cigarette?” he asks.

“Who smokes cigarettes?” Alex asks.

“True.” John says, then he takes a drag and leans back against the headboard.

He hands Alex the blunt after a moment, and he holds it nervously, “God what if the fire alarm went off right now or something.”

“Don’t think about that.” John says; when Alex doesn’t move, John takes his wrist in his hand and pushes it closer to his face. Alex stares at the blunt like it’s going to bite him and John sighs, “Are you sure - ?”

“Yes.” Alex says quickly, and then before he can change his mind he puts the blunt between his lips and inhales and immediately starts coughing.

John takes it out of his hand so he doesn’t drop it, “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Alex says, and his voice is scratchy and he sounds miserable, “I just want the fucking sound of the fucking sleet to fucking go away.”

John takes another drag, then after a moment he says, “Try again.”

“I didn’t like it.” Alex says bitterly, “It didn’t do anything.”

“You coughed from the smoke.” John says, “Everyone does that the first time. It’s fine. Try again, it’ll work.”

“I didn’t like the way it felt.” Alex says.

John is quiet for a moment, then he takes another drag, and then he says, “I have an idea.”

Alex doesn’t look at him, so he holds the blunt between his lips and mutters, “Alex, look at me.”

Alex turns, frowning, and John sits up and scoots closer to him, “Open your mouth.” he says.

Alex furrows his brow, “What?”

“Just do it.” John says, then takes another drag and leans forward and kisses him.

Alex makes a surprised little noise and pushes John away, “You’re high.” he says.

“And you will be, too, if we do this right.” John says.

“We’re not kissing while you’re high.” Alex says.

“It’s not kissing,” John insists, “It’s shotgunning. They’re very different.”

“You kissed me.” Alex says.

“That’s how you shotgun.” John says, “Look - we don’t have to if you don’t want to, but at least you’re not thinking about the fucking sleet.”

Alex winces, and then it thunders again and he sinks down low in the bed. John stares down at him, and then Alex looks up and says, “Okay. We can try one more.”

John takes another drag and leans down and kisses Alex again; after a moment he sits up suddenly, “You’re supposed to inhale it.” he says, “You’re just kissing me.”

“No, it’s working.” Alex says, staring up at him, “Do it again.”

John takes another drag, and this time when he leans down to kiss him, Alex wraps his arms around his waist and holds him. They kiss for a long moment, and the next time it thunders Alex doesn’t even remember the word for sleet.

…

John wakes up in the morning cold and alone in bed, and he’s bitter for a moment but then he remembers Alex has a job. He has to work. John checks his phone; it’s eight. He huffs and picks the altoid tin up and opens it out of curiosity. To his surprise, half the joint is still there. John figured they would have used the whole thing, but the longer he thinks about it the more he remembers that the longer they laid in bed last night the longer the kisses between drags became.

John blushes and shuts the altoid tin and buries it back in his bedside drawer.

He rolls back over in bed; his pillow on the right side smells like Alex, and before he knows it he’s dozing again. He wakes back up an hour later when his phone goes off with an actual alarm, and he rolls over to check his phone.

He groans and sits up and rubs his face, then texts his sister:  _ ‘do i still have to come to the thingy you roped me into?’ _

The reply comes a few moments later:  _ ‘thingy?’ _

John rolls his eyes:  _ ‘i don’t know what the fuck it’s called’ _

The next reply takes longer:  _ ‘yes you still have to come.’ _

John groans again and falls back down into bed, and then his phone goes off again:  _ ‘please tell me you’re not still in bed.’ _

Another text:  _ ‘if you’re still in bed im gonna kick your ass’ _

Another:  _ ‘jack i s2g’ _

John smiles at that and sits back up, typing out a reply:  _ ‘i’ll be there eventually’ _

…

John’s sister finds him as he’s looking for her when he arrives, putting her hand over one side of his neck and hissing in his ear,  _ “Are you fucking kidding me?” _

“ _ What _ ?” John whines, trying to twist out of her grip, “I haven’t even  _ done _ anything yet!”

She yanks him closer to her, “You have a huge-ass hickey right here!” she snaps, squeezing the spot she’s covering with her hand lightly.

John’s hand flies up to cover hers, his face hot, “Do I actually?” he asks.

“Yes!” she says, keeping her voice low, “Are you trying to ruin my life?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!” John says.

“Do you not look in the mirror before you go outside?” Mary asks.

John squirms, because the answer to the question this particular morning is no, and Mary groans, “You’re the worst.” she says, “and you smell like weed, can you be even a little discreet?” 

She takes her hand off his neck and he keeps his up over the spot she was covering. She looks around the people milling about, and then she jolts a bit, “Stay here.” she says, then she walks briskly across the room to a girl who’s standing near a table setting things out on it.

John watches his sister explain something - probably his stupidity - quickly, and then she reaches up and touches the scarf draped around the girls neck. That makes sense enough to John, but then the girl reaches up and holds Mary’s hands; Mary immediately drops them, but then the girl lowers hers and places them on Mary’s waist. Mary pushes her off again, saying something and glancing anxiously over at John. The girl nods and then takes her scarf off and hands it to her.

Mary walks back over to John, who’s looking at her with his eyebrows raised, “What was - ?”

“Nothing.” his sister snaps, “I - it’s a sorority thing.” she stammers, then she balls the scarf up and throws it at him, “Put this on and go ask Adolfo what you can do.”

John, having caught the scarf, puts it on haphazardly, “That was a weak throw.” he comments, “Who’s Adolfo?”

“We don’t all love baseball.” Mary snaps, then she nods to his left, “He’s over there.”

“Okay.” John says, then he turns to make his way over there but his sister groans and grabs his arm.

“Do you ever make an effort?” she asks.

“Sometimes.” John says, because he does (if he thinks cute boys will be around).

She fixes the scarf for him so it looks nice and covers the hickey, then she lets him go.

…

Alex is in the room when John gets back, sitting at his desk, and he hesitates when he opens the door.

A moment after hearing the door open, but nothing else, Alex turns around in his chair, “Oh, hey.” he says casually, “Nice scarf?”

John reaches up and touches the scarf around his neck, “Oh, shit.” he says, “I borrowed this from, uh…” he pauses, frowning, “Someone.”

“Someone?” Alex asks.

“Someone my sister knows.” John says; he steps inside and shuts the door, “My sister was having me help at some volunteer thing.”

“And you had to wear a scarf?” Alex asks.

“No.” John says, smiling, “She - uh - made me wear it.”

Alex gives him a look that John knows is asking a question, “I have a, uh,” he pauses awkwardly as he sits down on his bed and makes a vague reference to the scarf, “A hickey.”

“Really?” Alex asks, his eyebrows raised, “From me?”

“No, I gave it to myself.” John says.

Alex laughs, “That’s funny, though.”

John is quiet for a second, “Is that not weird?”

“What’s weird?” Alex asks.

“We uh,” John bites the inside of his cheek, “We kinda made out last night.”

“You said we were shotgunning.” Alex says smuggly, “You said they were two different things.”

“We were making out.” John says.

“Well, okay, we were making out.” Alex says, “Is that bad?”

“I mean, we, uh,” John is trying to figure out how to say this, “I don’t know? I mean we’re not… dating.”

Alex grins at him, “Are you a virgin?”

John blushes, “No.”

“Oh?” Alex says, “Well, either way, I’m of firm belief you don’t have to be dating someone to kiss them.”

“Well, yeah.” John says, “That wasn’t what I was saying. I just meant - like - we weren’t having a one night stand, we’re friends.”

Alex shrugs, “Friends can kiss.”

John sighs, “You’re missing my whole point.” he says, “I - like - I punched you in the face last month.”

“Oh, I’m over that,” Alex says, “I’ve punched my fair share of people. I punched a guy once because he said I was stupid.” he looks pointedly at John, “I’m not stupid.”

“Okay,” John says, “But I still don’t think - ”

“John,” Alex says suddenly, “You can kiss whoever you want. I don’t care if you don’t want to do anything with me. Although, you are very attractive, so if you ever change your mind, let me know.”

John looks down, his face hot, “Thanks.” he says after a long moment.

“Huh?” Alex says, having already gone back to what he was working on.

“You said I was attractive.” John says, looking up at him.

“Oh,” Alex says, “Yeah, you are.”

John looks down again, trying not to smile, “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do i LOOK like i've ever smoked a weed


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up this chapter contains recreational drug use and nonexplicit sexual stuff while under the influence

Midterms sneak up on John, but not on Alex. John isn’t sure if it’s because he has a double major while Alex is singular, or if it’s because Alex spends every spare second he has reading ahead in class, but John forgets how to do anything but study in the three weeks leading up to midterms, and he’s not even very good at it.

“How are you not stressed the fuck out?” he asks one night; it’s late, and they both have their lamp lights on because they’re both well aware that neither of them are going to sleep anytime soon.

“I am.” Alex replies, not looking up at him.

“No, you’re not.” John says, “ _ I’m  _ stressed out. I feel like I’m dying. You do this every night.”

“Yeah, I  _ do _ do this every night.” Alex says, “I  _ am  _ stressed. I’m  _ always  _ stressed.” he looks up for a moment, blinking, “Although, if I’m being honest, since I’m  _ always  _ at this level of stress, seeing people match me and freak out does make me feel kind of nice.”

He rubs his eyes for a long moment, and when he lowers his hands they’re watering, “Ah, fuck.” he says softly.

“You look like you’re about to die.” John says, “More than you usually do.” 

Alex cradles his head in his hands for a moment; his hair is tied up in a disaster of a bun, and this is the longest John has ever seen him go without shaving. He looks nice, John notes, but he would look nicer if he didn’t look exhausted. 

“I have work at four.” Alex says, then he looks up and checks the clock, “Well, it’s too late to go to bed now.”

The following week, Alex comes into the dorm earlier than he has been. “Not spending the night at the library tonight?” John asks.

“No.” Alex says, completely serious, “But probably not sleeping either.” 

He sets a plastic grocery bag down on his bed, and stares at it for a moment, then he looks at John, “Can I ask a dumbass question?”

John turns in his desk chair, welcoming the distraction, “I love dumbass questions.”

“Do you think,” Alex says slowly, “I would die if I snorted caffeine?”

John frowns, “Are you going to snort coffee grounds? Because yeah, that sounds like it would kill you. Or at least hurt really bad.”

Alex shakes his head, then picks the plastic bag up and dumps it’s contents into his hand: a single container of caffeine pills. John raises his eyebrows, “I didn’t know they made those.”

“I’m going to take one anyways.” Alex says, “Or several, probably,” he adds, checking the suggested doses on the side of the bottle, “I was just wondering if it would be more effective if I snorted it.”

“Probably.” John says, “But you’d have to crush it up really fine.”

Alex bites his lip, then opens the container, “I don’t think I’ll  _ die.” _

“Oh, my God.” John says, grinning, “You’re insane.”

“I mean, the bottle says fast acting, but doesn’t it work like,  _ instantly _ if you snort it?” Alex says, pulling just one pill out of the bottle, “That’s the kind of fast acting I need. I’m about to pass out.”

Alex crushes the pill on his desk with a book, “Is this fine enough?” he asks.

John looks over at it, “Absolutely not.”

Alex looks at it for a moment, “Ah, fuck it.” he says, setting the book down on his bed.

“It’s gonna  _ hurt.”  _ John tells him.

“I’ll be fine.” Alex says, then he stares at it for a moment, then says, “Oh, I don’t have, uh,” he looks around, then looks back at John sheepishly, “How do you snort things?”

John laughs, “I wouldn’t know.”

Alex is about to make a smart ass retort, but someone knocks on the door. John turns his head to look at it, and Alex looks back at what’s on his desk, his eyes wide. He suddenly realizes how much it looks like cocaine and how the door isn’t locked.

John glances at him anxiously, having similar thoughts, then says, “Who is it?”

“Aaron.”

They both let out a breath of relief, “Come in.” Alex calls back.

Aaron comes in and shuts the door, and he tosses his bag on Alex’s bed, “Do you have the - ”

He pauses, staring at Alex and the mess on his desk, “What the fuck is that?”

“It’s not cocaine.” Alex says quickly.

“Like that makes it any better?” John says, trying not to laugh.

“It does make it better, cocaine is illegal, caffeine is not.” Alex retorts.

“You were going to  _ snort caffeine?”  _ Aaron asks.

Alex looks like he’s trying to come up with an intelligent response, but he gives up after a moment, “Yeah, I was.”

Aaron rubs his temples, “Fucking freshmen.” he mutters.

“Um, excuse me,” Alex says, “A girl in my economy class actually  _ does  _ snort cocaine to get through finals, so I’m doing pretty good.”

“If you have to compare yourself to someone who does  _ cocaine _ to make yourself sound good, you’re not doing good.” Aaron says, “Clean that up. You’re going to overdose and die.”

“This is just one pill, I would not have overdosed  _ or  _ died.” Alex tells him.

“Clean it up!” Aaron says, “Why do you have to be so extra all the time? Just take the pills like a normal person.”

“Hey, he crushed it up, he should at least snort it.” John says.

“Don’t encourage him.” Aaron snaps.

…

When John comes back to the dorm after his last test, Alex is asleep on his bed. He’s not under the covers, and he didn’t even take his shoes off. John sighs and looks at him affectionately for a moment, and then he shrugs his jacket off and moves to take Alex’s shoes off for him.

When he pulls the first one off, Alex jerks awake, “The fuck are you doing?” he asks groggily.

John drops his shoe on the ground sheepishly, “You fell asleep with your shoes on.”

“Oh,” Alex says, “Was I asleep?”

“Yeah.” John says quietly.

“Oh,” Alex says; he checks the clock, “I have work in an hour.”

“No, you don’t.” John says, “You traded shifts with Catherine, remember?”

Alex blinks, “Oh, yeah.” he says.

“You should go back to sleep.” John says, “Make up for the past five months of deprivation.”

Alex huffs, it sounds like a laugh, and John grins at him. He kicks his other shoe off over the side of the bed, “Thanks for trying to take my shoes off.” he says, “Sweet of you.”

John shoves his hands in his pockets, “I guess.”

“When do you leave for Carolina?” Alex asks, shifting and picking the blanket up because his bed is never made.

“Tuesday.” John says.

“Oh?” Alex says, “Not leaving for a couple days.”

“No, I’m not.” John says, “My sister is held up with something, I think. And I’m gonna be back for New Years anyways, so I’m not gonna be there for long.”

“We should do something for New Years.” Alex says, but he sounds like he’s about to fall back asleep, so John makes a note to bring it up later. He’s sure Alex will forget if he doesn’t.

John turns to climb into his own bed, to take a nap or end up just going to sleep for the day, but Alex looks over his shoulder at him, “Hey?”

“Yeah?” John says, looking back at him.

“Cuddle with me?” Alex asks.

John rubs the back of his neck, blushing, “Uh,” he looks up at Alex, his cute, unshaven face and his tired eyes, and he swallows, “Yeah.” he finally says, “I just - uh,” he looks down, “I need to take my binder off.”

“And your shoes.” Alex points out.

John looks at his feet, “Yeah.”

He kicks his shoes off and exchanges his t-shirt for his sweatshirt, and takes his binder off underneath that. “You be big spoon.” Alex says faintly.

“Okay.” John says, climbing into bed next to him.

“Night.” Alex says.

“It’s four in the afternoon.” John tells him.

“Yeah, night.” Alex repeats.

John rolls his eyes, “You’re a weirdo.” he says.

“Yeah, you like me anyways.” Alex retorts.

John hides his face in Alex’s shoulder, because he’s not really wrong.

…

When John wakes up, he’s not sure what time it is or really  _ where  _ he is, because when he opens his eyes he’s in a different bed than he usually is and it confuses him. He shifts in bed and then he remembers that he went to sleep in Alex’s bed, spooning him, and then he’s awake, his face hot. 

Alex is still laying next to him, on his phone, doing what John isn’t sure. He’s not sure how much there is to do on a flip phone. He’s still pressed right up next to John, and John blushes and shifts away from him a little bit. Alex glances at him and grins, “Hey.” he says.

“What time is it?” John asks.

Alex glances over him at the clock, “Nine.” he says, and John groans.

“I’m never gonna go back to sleep.” He whines, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m not planning to.” Alex says; he snaps his phone shut and looks at John, “Laf is finishing something up and then we’re gonna go to a party. You should come with.”

John gives him a doubtful look.

“I’m not gonna get sloppy drunk this time!” Alex insists, raising his hands innocently, “I’ll eat something before I start drinking, I promise. But you should really come with.”

John considers it for a moment, “Yeah, okay.” he says, “But I need to watch you eat food, because you were a disaster last time.”

“Sounds good.” Alex says.

John sits up, “When is he coming?”

“In less than an hour.” Alex says, checking the time again, “He said he’d text me when he’s on his way.”

“Awesome.” John says; he rubs his face, “I need to change.”

“Do you?” Alex asks, “You look fine.”

“Yeah, I look fine,” John says, “but I wanna look good.”

Alex raises his eyebrows, “Is that so?”

“Yeah, you know,” John squirms a little bit, “Might see a cute boy there.”

Alex grins, “Is that so?” he repeats, then he rubs his face, “I should probably shave.”

“Probably,” John agrees; he eyes Alex for a second, “You look good, though.”

Alex grins at him again, “Do I?”

“Do you only speak in hypotheticals, now?” John asks.

“Do I?” Alex repeats, and John laughs.

“You should change, too.” he says after a moment, trying to find where he dropped his binder earlier.

“Aw, do I not look cute?” Alex asks.

“You still look exhausted.” John says.

“Thank you, the bags under my eyes are designer.” Alex says; he rubs his eyes, then says, “And permanent, apparently.”

“Wear something that’s not super baggy.” John tells him, finally finding his binder.

“Jokes on you, all my clothes are baggy!” Alex says.

John snickers, then he pauses and looks back at Alex, “Hey, I can’t really put this on under my sweatshirt, so could you, uh, turn around?”

Alex does so and John pulls his sweatshirt off. Alex continues, “All your clothes are baggy, too.”

“I’ll have you know I own two pairs of skinny jeans.” John informs him.

“That you have never worn.” Alex adds.

“I wear them,” John says, “Sometimes.”

“When?” Alex asks.

“I wore them to the last party we went to.” John says, “But I doubt you remember, because you were plastered.”

“You’re right, I don’t remember.” Alex says.

John pulls a black t-shirt out and throws it on, “Okay, you can turn back around.”

Alex does so, “I can’t believe you’re actually trying to look good for a party. Everyone there is going to be too drunk to see straight, anyways.”

“I enjoy looking nice.” John says, “Tell you what - I’m going to wear my skinny jeans and you’re going to wear my other pair.”

Alex makes a face, “They’ll be too long on me.”

“You can roll them up.” John says. He pulls one pair out and throws them to him, then pulls the other pair out for himself.

Alex unbuttons the baggy pants he’s currently wearing and takes them off with no shame. “If these don’t fit me then I’m allowed to get sloppy drunk again tonight.”

“I don’t think you should ever be allowed to do that again.” John says.

Alex pulls the jeans on and rolls them up, “Better?” he asks.

John is blushing a little bit, “Yeah,” he says, “but you still need to change your shirt.”

“What’s wrong with my shirt?” Alex asks.

“You slept in it last night?” John says, “Just change your shirt. Wear something cool.”

“My Dunkin Donuts uniform.” Alex says, and John laughs.

John puts his jeans on while Alex hunts for a shirt. As he’s doing so, Alex’s phone goes off. “That’s probably Laf.” he says.

John grunts in response, currently in the process of tucking his shirt into his pants. Alex checks his phone for confirmation and nods, then looks up, “What are you doing?”

John looks over his shoulder at him, “Tucking my shirt in?”

“You’re only supposed to do that with nice shirts.” Alex says.

“You can do it with any shirt.” John says.

“But why would you?”

“It looks cool!”

“Makes you look gay.” Alex says, grinning.

“I am gay.” John says, then he looks away quickly, his face hot.

Alex finds a shirt to wear and exchanges the one he’s wearing for it. John picks his favorite flannel out and wears it as a jacket, then puts his beanie on. Alex is tying his shoes when he glances up at his friend, and he grins, “You look hot.”

John looks up from his phone, startled, “What?”

“Said you look hot.” Alex repeats.

John’s face is burning, and he looks away, trying to hide his smile, “Thanks.”

Alex checks the clock, then his phone, “Don’t think I have time to shave.” he says, “You distracted me by forcing me to wear nice clothes.”

“I’m so very sorry.” John says dramatically, slipping his shoes on.

Alex’s phone goes off again, and he checks it since it’s open, but he already knows what the text says, “He’s here.” he says, standing.

“Oh, hang on,” John says, then he opens his bedside drawer and digs around until he finds his Altoid tin. He slips it in his pocket.

“You’re gonna take that in public?” Alex asks.

“Yeah, why not?” John asks, “Half the people there aren’t old enough to be drinking. What are they gonna do? Snitch?”

“Fair enough.” Alex says, opening the door for him.

…

John smokes the rest of the blunt in the bathroom at the party, because Alex’s concerns got into his head and he started to worry about someone actually getting him in trouble. 

He leaves the bathroom very high, and he immediately finds that he likes being high at a party more than he likes being drunk. His limbs don’t feel as heavy, and after a long moment of orienting himself, he goes to find Alex.

He finds him talking to Laf and Hercules, and John inserts himself into the conversation. “Hey,” Alex says, grinning at him, “They watched me eat three whole slices of pizza, so now I probably won’t get weird when I get drunk.”

“Cool.” John says, “I’m high.”

Alex laughs, then he covers his mouth, then says, “Thank you for being  _ blunt  _ with me.”

Hercules laughs loudly, and John gives Alex a light shove, “I hate puns.” he says.

“Ah, but you love me.” Alex says.

John stands with them for a little while longer, mostly just because he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s having a hard time keeping up with the conversation, because he wasn’t there when it started, and the combination of the high and the noise makes it difficult to follow. During a lull, John asks Alex where he got pizza, and Alex points him towards the kitchen.

John finds an untouched box of pineapple pizza and grins, pulling a slice out and not even bothering to try to find a plate. There aren’t very many people in the kitchen, so he leans against the counter while he eats. On the other side of the island in the middle is a girl with her hair pulled up into a high bun, and a boy with dark skin and nice cheekbones. He and John make eye contact while he’s holding a conversation with the girl, and since John is in the process of taking a bite of pizza when they do, he raises his eyebrows in greeting.

The guy grins, and then looks back down at the girl. By the time John has finished the slice of pizza, he’s found an excuse to shoo her away and comes to stand next to John. “Hey, cutie.” he says, leaning against the counter next to him, and John bites the inside of his cheek and smiles.

“Hey.” he says back, and then completely zones out of the rest of the conversation. Several moments pass, but John isn’t really sure how much time goes by. He does know that sometimes his mouth moves with a response he’s not entirely sure of, and that the guy keeps laughing and at some point he’s gotten much closer to him. People come in and out of the kitchen, but even if anyone wanted to get to the box of pineapple pizza John is standing in front of, they don’t want it bad enough to interrupt.

John is having trouble keeping track of time, and of the conversation, but he doesn’t really mind. At some point, the guy - John  _ knows  _ he told him his name, but it’s already a hard to reach memory - leads him out of the kitchen and then they’re sitting on a couch somewhere. They’re still talking, something that has to do with school or something that has to do with home or something. They’re definitely talking about something. Seconds are dripping past. Maybe minutes. Maybe hours. No, not hours, his high would’ve started to wear off by now.

“Hey, what time is it?” John asks suddenly, the words solid in his mouth.

The guy checks his watch, “Almost eleven.” he says, “You wanna get out of here?”

John immediately thinks that’s a bad idea. He tries to debate it in his head for a second, but then he decides he’s not in the right place to be doing that. First instinct is best instinct. “Naw.”

The guy grins, “You’re cute.”

John rubs the back of his neck, “Cute isn’t the word I’d use.”

John forgets how he got from that remark to sitting in the guys lap kissing him. He decides it’s not very important. 

He’s decided he likes kissing boys while he’s high. It makes him feel warm. Though, that could be the weed or the arousal. The guys hands are on John’s waist, under his flannel but over his t-shirt. John’s hands are in his hair; he wishes it were longer. His entire body feels hot; he can’t tell if he’s embarrassed to be kissing in front of other people or flustered over kissing a boy in general or aroused. Probably all three. 

John’s heart is having a conflict with the rest of his body; his brain is telling him he’s relaxed, but his heart is beating so fast he can feel his pulse in his fingertips. He’s unsure where that reaction comes from; he’s kissed plenty of boys, in far more compromising locations than this one. Perhaps it’s the combination of being high around strangers, or kissing a boy in front of strangers, or being high and kissing  _ a  _ stranger. John’s been busy; he hasn’t been high since the night he offered to do it with Alex to stop him from having an anxiety attack.

John’s thoughts flicker to Alex, and then they stay on Alex. He has very hazy memories of kissing him, practically on top of him. He wonders how long they were kissing. He doesn’t remember stopping, and he barely remembers starting. He just remembers Alex’s hands up his shirt, on his back, between his legs and on his thighs and his ass, and his lips on his and his neck and the dark hickey that stayed on John’s neck for a week. Thinking about it makes John feel ten times hotter, makes him want to kiss this guy more fervently. 

He’s clean shaven, and John can’t say that he likes it. He thinks about kissing Alex, the rough stubble that made his heart beat fast while he sucked a bruise onto John’s neck. Thinking about it now makes John’s face hot, and he rolls his hips without thinking about it. The guy underneath him grabs him tightly by the hips, but suddenly John isn’t with him anymore. He’s with Alex, who’s grabbing his hips and squeezing them and pulling him sharply down to grind against his thigh. John moans at the thought, loudly and into the mouth of the man whose lap he’s sitting in.

John doesn’t remember getting off the couch, but suddenly he’s upstairs being led down a hallway. To find a room, he presumes, and he’s not going to protest. John just holds his hand and lets himself be pulled along as the guy tries to find them a room. He stops in front of a door and John all but runs into him, and then he laughs and he’s giggling as the guy opens it.

There are two girls sitting on the bed, and they both make loud squacking noise. One of them is shirtless, but luckily she still has on her bra. They both have messy hair and upon seeing two boys standing in the doorway, they scramble apart from one another. John blinks and it takes him a moment, but he identifies the girl with her shirt still on.

He and Mary exchange a look of utter mortification, then he reaches around the guy and slams the door shut.

John isn’t in the right mindset to ponder what he just saw, so he elects to ignore it until he can properly process it. Now isn’t the time, seeing as he’s being pulled down the hallway again and he’s very horny and he can’t exactly analyze his sister doing gay shit when  _ he  _ is doing gay shit.

He ends up sitting on an unmade bed, and then they’re kissing again and John is thinking about Alex again and everything is fine until there’s a hand being snaked between his legs and John panics because he can’t have this conversation this far along, not with a stranger and certainly not while high. He shoves his hand away, and then there’s an awkward lull and John can’t think of an excuse so instead he drops down to his knees and starts unbuttoning the guys pants.

It’s languid and hot and John is so high he’s basically letting the guy fuck his mouth. He enjoys it. Whether that’s because he’s high or because he’s thinking about Alex the entire time, John can’t be sure.

When it’s done, he waits a moment for the guy to come down from his high, but not too long, before he bolts out of the room to avoid talking about reciprocation. He finds his way back downstairs and is trying to sift his way through people. Alex said if John changed his mind about doing things, to tell him, and John has just changed his mind. He can’t think of a single person he’d rather do things with at this second. 

John is in the living room, dizzy from moving so fast and from the noise and from all the people, but he’s oriented enough to recognize Alex and Laf sitting on the couch making out.

John swallows and turns back around, for fear of being seen. His face his hot,  _ everything  _ is still hot, but now he really can’t tell if it’s from arousal or shame. He knows he shouldn’t be blushing from both, but the rest of his body hasn’t seem to have caught up with the information his brain is replaying over and over for him.

John finds Hercules in a different room, “Hey.”

Hercules looks down at him and raises his eyebrows, “You look awful.”

John feels awful. His high is wearing off and he’s suddenly not enjoying being surrounded by sweaty, drunken people. “Think I wanna go home.” he says, without answering Hercules’ remark.

Hercules nods, then downs what’s in his cup and says, “I’ll go find Laf - ”

“No!” John says quickly, startling him; he clears his throat, “Uh, I might just. Walk.”

Hercules frowns, “It’s freezing.”

“It’s not far.” John says, barely audible in the loud house, “I just want to leave. I have a headache.”

Hercules sighs, “Let me get my coat.” he says.

Hercules walks him back to his dorm; John doesn’t say a single word.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains the q slur

They’re an hour into the car ride back to South Carolina when John turns the radio down and says, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Mary doesn’t look at him, “I was enjoying that song.”

“That was a commercial.” John says flatly.

“Well, I was enjoying it.” Mary says.

“This is a twelve hour car ride, and there’s an accident about three hours ahead of us.” John says, checking his phone, “So we’re looking at thirteen hours in this car. Maybe more. Alone. With nothing to do but talk to each other about our ambiguous sexualities.”

“I’m not talking about my sex life with you.” Mary snaps.

“That wasn’t what I meant.” John says quickly, obviously mortified, “That’s probably the last conversation I want to have. I meant - like - what our sexualities  _ are.” _

Mary doesn’t look at him, so John shifts in his seat and says, “Fine, I’ll start.” He sticks his hand out like he wants to shake her hand, “I’m John Laurens, I came out to my dad as trans a little over a year ago, and I’m terrified of telling him I’m gay.”

Mary glances at him, still frowning, but it’s less angry and more sad now. She looks back at the road in silence, then takes his hand awkwardly in a way that doesn’t resemble a handshake and says, “I’m Mary Laurens, I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian.”

“Good start.” John says, lowering his hand, “Why haven’t you told dad? He’s not gonna be upset.”

Mary won’t look at him, “I really don’t know that.” 

“Mary - ”

“Like, yeah, I know when you came out it went great, as far as coming out goes, but that’s one kid. I don’t know how he’s gonna feel about  _ both _ his kids being queer.” she says, “Why haven’t  _ you  _ told dad  _ you’re  _ gay?”

John swallows and looks away, “Seemed like a lot to say at once.” 

“Yeah.” Mary says, “I was kind of waiting for him to adjust to you.”

“Well, he’s adjusted.” John says, “You can gauge that over the break.”

Mary shrugs, “I - I don’t even know for sure yet.”

“But you have a girlfriend?” John asks, “Unless what I saw was just another sorority thing.”

Mary glares at him, and he grins, “You’re such a little shit.” She mutters, “She’s my girlfriend.”

“So say you have a girlfriend.” John says, “I don’t think dad is going to care about exactly what label you’re using.”

Mary sighs, then she seems to remember something and sits up straighter, “Hey, who were you with the other night, anyways?” she asks, glancing at him pointedly, “Was that your boyfriend?”

John blushes, grinning sheepishly, “I didn’t even know that guys name.”

Mary bites her lip, obviously trying not to smile, “Jack, you shouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t really  _ do  _ anything.” John says, and Mary frowns, “I promise. I swear on it”

They sit in silence for a few minutes, until finally Mary says, “What else?”

“What else?” John repeats.

“Something’s bothering you, what is it?” she asks.

John squirms, “It’s nothing.”

Mary gives him a look.

John sinks down in his chair, “Okay, so it’s  _ something,  _ but it’s not really that important.” he glances over at Mary, and the look on her face tells him to spill, so he sighs, “I think I have a crush on my roommate.”

Mary winces, “Oof. Bad idea.”

“He’s so  _ hot,  _ Mary.” John whines.

“Didn’t you punch him in the face in October?” Mary asks.

John is quiet for a moment, “Maybe.”

She rolls her eyes, “Why the sudden change in opinion?”

“We were, uh,” John hesitates, “You remember that morning I was helping you with the volunteer stuff?”

Mary looks at him, “Did he give you that huge ass hickey?”

John blushes, which is a sufficient answer apparently, “Oh, my  _ God,  _ Jack, what did you  _ do?” _

_ “Nothing!”  _ John insists, “Just - just kissing. Kissing, and… and just kissing.”

“Just kissing.” Mary scoffs, “You don’t get a hickey with just kissing.”

“That’s literally exactly how you get a hickey.” John says, “I  _ know  _ you don’t want details. We didn’t have sex.”

“But you came close.” Mary guesses, and John doesn’t respond, “Jack, just… a friendly word of advice? You’ve got another five months to live with this guy, at  _ least. _ I would advise  _ against  _ doing anything with him.”

John is quiet, “I like him a lot, Mary.”

“And if he doesn’t like you back?” She asks, and she catches the look that crosses John’s face for half a second and she winces, “Oh, he doesn’t, does he?”

John sighs, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you say something to him?” Mary asks.

“No,” John says, “I just - the guy at the party, I, uh,” he pauses, “we were doing… something and I left to go find Alex because Alex said, um, if I ever decided I wanted to do… something. With him. To tell him. So I was going to. And, uh,” he swallows, “When I found him he was with someone else.”

Mary is quiet for a moment, “I don’t think he’s interested in you the same way you’re interested in him.”

John glances at her, “But, I mean, he  _ could _ be.”

“He could.” Mary says, “But he’s not. You like him, and he sees you as someone he can have sex with and move on.”

John wilts a little bit, “Maybe.” he says quietly, “But, I think maybe it could be something more.”

Mary purses her lips, “Don’t say anything just yet.”

“I wasn’t planning to.” John says.

“Good.” Mary says, “And maybe abstain from making out with him. You’re just gonna break your own heart.”

John rolls his eyes, “I’m not gonna break my heart.” 

…

As John is walking back to his dorm, he can’t decide if he wants Alex to be in the room or not. It would be nice if he could ask him about the party, something he didn’t get the chance to do before he left for Carolina, but it would also be nice if Alex wasn’t there so John could sit and silence and torture himself by thinking about it until he came back. Somehow the twelve hour car ride back to school wasn’t enough to get his thoughts in order, and now he feels a heavy pit of anxiety in his stomach.

When he comes in the room, Alex is sitting on his bed, and John tries not to show his distress when he looks up at him. Alex’s face immediately lights up, and he sits up a little bit, “How was Carolina?” he asks excitedly.

John shuts the door, “Fine.” he says.

“Guess what I did?” Alex says eagerly.

John can take a guess; he’s been thinking about it the whole time he’s been on break, “Lafayette?”

Alex beams at him, “How did you know?”

John sets his bag down at the base of his bed, “I saw you, um, kissing. At the party.”

“Oh, yeah.” Alex sits back on his bed, “I saw you kissing a guy, too, what was that about? Did that go anywhere?”

John shrugs, “Not really.”

“Not even a phone number?” Alex asks.

“I don’t even remember his name.” John tells him, and Alex laughs.

John hesitates for a second, “So are you guys, like, a thing now?”

“What? No.” Alex says immediately, “No, no, we’re not a thing. It’s just casual.”

John looks away; just casual doesn’t make him feel that much better, but it’s better than Alex being taken. 

…

John considers keeping his distance from Alex, but it’s so hard not to talk to him. John  _ wants  _ to talk to him; he talks so much anyways, and most of what he says is charming. A good portion of it is stupid, and a small portion of it is pretentious, but John enjoys it when he talks. It takes less than a day for John to go back to holding easy conversation with him, and by the end of the week they’re both cuddled up on the same bed, Alex reading from one of his textbooks and John with his head on his shoulder, watching him quietly. John’s hands are tucked in the pocket of his sweatshirt, mostly because being so close to Alex makes his palms sweaty.

Alex isn’t clean shaven, but he’s not as bad as he was finals week. Well, John wouldn’t call what he had going on during finals week  _ bad.  _ He would call it hot, if he’s being honest, but the stubble is nice, too.

Alex mutters a little bit when he reads; John thinks that’s charming, too. John thinks half the things Alex does are charming, which makes him feel dumb because he  _ knows  _ the things Alex is doing aren’t charming. He knows speculating snorting a caffeine pill is stupid and using a flip phone when it’s almost 2014 is weird but when Alex does these things it’s cute. Thinking about him makes John’s heart beat fast, but thinking about  _ telling  _ Alex that makes him want to crawl into a hole and never come back out.

_ It’s just casual _ , John tells himself, and turns his head and places a kiss on Alex’s neck.

Alex stops reading, immediately quiet. “What are you doing?” He asks.

“Nothing.” John says, and plants another kiss on his neck.

Alex’s grip on his textbook relaxes, “Kinda feels like you’re kissing my neck.” He says smuggly.

John can hear his heartbeat, “Is that what I’m doing?” he asks coyly, “Sorry, I’ll stop.”

He starts to sit back up, but Alex turns and grabs him by the sleeve of his sweatshirt, “No, no,” he says, “You can keep going.”

John takes that as a good sign and leans forward and kisses him on the lips instead. Alex hums, clearly very pleased, reaching up to cup John’s cheek and kissing him back. They stay like that for a moment, kissing, until finally Alex shuts the textbook he’s holding and drops it on the floor, not really caring where it lands, then pulls John into his lap.

John makes a startled noise, which makes Alex laugh. “It’s not really funny.” John says, blushing.

“No, it was cute.” Alex insists, “Can I ask why the sudden kisses?”

John doesn’t want to answer the question, so he just kisses Alex again.

John does basically exactly what his sister told him not to do, and gives Alexander a handjob. His sister didn’t explicitly tell John  _ not _ to do that, but she did tell him not to get too involved with Alex, and giving him a handjob is pretty involved. 

“Let me return the favor.” Alex keeps saying, his voice hushed; his hands are warm underneath John’s sweatshirt, running over his stomach and his waist.

John doesn’t answer him, just sinks back down next to him in bed and hides his face in Alex’s side. Eventually, Alex shuts up, and they doze for a moment, before John sits back up and leans on his shoulder, “Will you be my kiss on New Years Eve?”

Alex looks down at him, “That’s the cutest thing anyone has ever asked me.”

“Shut up.” John mutters, shoving his shoulder, “Answer the stupid question.”

Alex chuckles, “Sure.” he says, “If Laf doesn’t get to me first.”

John sinks down bitterly, leaning against Alex; it’s just casual. Alex leans over and picks the textbook up off the floor, picking up where he left off. John watches him reading for a moment, as Alex goes back to muttering, and his heart feels warm. It won’t be casual forever, he tells himself, but he can’t be too sure, so he closes his eyes and sleeps.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of mild transphobia this chapter

“Can’t you just take a picture of me and draw that?”

“ _ No _ .” John insists, not looking up at him, “I was told I had to draw someone sitting down in front of me, hold still.”

“It’s been so long.” Alex whines, not listening to John and therefore not holding still.

“It has literally been ten minutes.” John says, “I barely have the rough, rough,  _ rough  _ outline done. I’m literally  _ begging  _ you to sit still.”

“Can’t you draw me, like,  _ doing  _ something?” Alex asks.

“What do you think the phrase ‘hold still’ means?” John asks, finally glancing up at him.

“I think it means I have ADHD!” Alex argues, “I can’t sit here doing nothing. How long is it going to take you to draw this?”

“I don’t know.” John says, “But it’s going to take me longer if the loser I asked to pose for me won’t shut up.”

“Why don’t you just ask Laf to pose?” Alex asks, “Or Hercules? Or your sister? Or literally anyone?”

“Because I want to draw you.” John insists, and then immediately gets flustered and looks back down at what he’s doing. 

Alex is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “I still don’t see why you can’t just take a picture of me.”

“When your teacher assigns you a  _ typed  _ essay, do you hand write it?” John snaps.

“Jokes on you! I don’t own a laptop so I hand write everything until I can type it up in the library!” Alex says smugly.

John glares at him, “You’re being very difficult.”

“ _ You’re  _ being very annoying.” Alex counters.

“Can I bribe you?” John asks, irritated, “With food? Or a handjob? Or literally anything? I will literally get you anything you want if you sit still.”

Alex considers this for a moment, “I’ll take you up on the second one, if you let me reciprocate this time.”

John looks back down, “I’ll take you to go get food.”

They’re both quiet now, and for a moment John actually thinks he’s going to be able to make progress on the drawing, but then Alex says, “Why is that?”

“Why is what?” John asks flatly.

“You won’t let me reciprocate.” Alex says, “Why?”

John sighs, and then he says, “I don’t really love feeling dysphoric.”

Alex is silent, and when John finally looks up at him he’s staring at him. John sighs again and says, “I just don’t want you to see me naked.”

“Oh, okay.” Alex says, “But, um, I kind of don’t want to keep doing stuff with you if it’s just gonna be you… doing stuff to me.”

John looks back down, embarrassed, “It’s fine.” He says, “I really don’t mind.” he adds.

“I mind.” Alex says, “You know, I’ve been told I’m - ”

“Very good at oral, yes, you’ve told me.” John says, and he’s smiling a little bit, “I’ll think about it.”

“If I hold still for you, can we do something?” Alex asks.

“If you hold still and quit whining.” John shoots back.

“I won’t whine.” Alex says seriously, “But can I talk?”

“Yeah, I know you like to do that.” John says, at which Alex flips him off. “Oh, is that the pose you’d like me to draw you in?” he asks, “Because I’d love to see you try to hold that for a couple hours.”

Alex drops his hand and throws his head back, “ _ Hours _ .” he groans, and John gives him a look. Alex sits up at little straighter, “I’m not whining.”

“Sounded a lot like whining to me.” John says, “I’ll buy you dinner when this is over.”

“And let me go down on you?” Alex asks hopefully.

“We agreed on no whining for that.” John says, “And you already broke your half of the deal.”

“Start again.” Alex insists, “And I will be very good this time.”

Alex does stay still, for the most part, although he does talk. He always talks, which John doesn’t mind, because he likes his voice. John is finally making decent project on the drawing while Alex is telling a story about something stupid he did when he was fifteen.

“I thought you said you grew up in Washington Heights?” John questions at one point, pausing to take care of a cramp in his hand.

“Oh, I did.” Alex says quickly, “I mean, I grew up in a lot of places? But mostly Washington Heights. I was in and out of there when I was a teenager.”

“Why?” John asks, still rubbing his hand, “Parent trouble?”

“Uh,” Alex’s eyes focus on something behind John instead of on him, “Yeah, sure. Something like that.”

“Something like that?” John echos, giving him a questioning look.

Alex is quiet for a moment, then he says, “My dad left, is all.”

John winces a little bit, “Sorry, dude.”

“No, it’s okay.” Alex says immediately, “He was a prick. I’ll kick his ass.”

John snickers, and the cramp in his hand has diminished, so he goes back to the drawing. Alex changes the subject; he wasn’t done with his story from before, but John doesn’t push it, if he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“One time when I was nine, I fell off my bike and basically skinned myself, and my dad made me ride home.” Alex says a little while later.

John frowns, “Harsh.” he comments.

“Another time he got me to ride his bike even though I totally wasn’t tall enough to.” Alex continues, “My feet couldn’t touch the ground and at first it was fine but then I couldn’t stop the bike? Or like I could, but my feet  _ couldn’t touch the ground,  _ so when the bike stopped I fell off of it.”

“Sounds like you’re terrible at riding bikes.” John remarks.

Alex laughs, “I mean, I still am. But I’m only slightly better at driving.”

“I’m shit at driving.” John says, “It’s probably because I’m gay.”

Alex laughs even harder, which makes John smile. After a moment, Alex says, “Oh, my God, that’s the best. That’s going to be my excuse when I inevitably fail my drivers test.”

“You don’t have your licence?” John asks, glancing up at him.

“Not yet.” Alex says, “I’m gonna get it eventually. I was kind of just focused on… getting into college first.” he pauses, “And now all I think about is studying. Not that I thought about anything else in high school.”

“I don’t know, you seem to think about sex a lot.” John comments.

“Shut up!” Alex exclaims, “How many times did you fail your drivers test, hm?”

John gives him a look, then looks back down at the drawing, “Three.”

“Three times!” Alex laughs, then immediately thinks better of himself, “Like I’m one to talk, I drive like shit. Whoever grades me the first time I take the test is gonna hate me.”

“Because you can’t sit still?” John asks.

“Oh, right, sorry.” Alex shifts back into the position he was in before, that John is trying to draw, “How goes the art project?”

“It goes fine.” John mutters, “Keep talking, it helps me concentrate.”

“Of course.” Alex says, almost affectionately, and John’s heart beats fast in his chest.

“God, my fucking hand hurts.” John says about an hour later, tossing his pencil down and rubbing his hand.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks, leaning over to get a better look at him.

“I’m fine.” John says, “My hand is just cramping up really bad. Just give me a minute.”

Alex checks the time on his phone, then says, “It’s getting kinda late.”

John hums, still rubbing his hand, “I’m assuming that means you’d prefer if I bought you dinner tonight?”

He looks up at Alex, who grins at him sheepishly, “Would be nice.” he says, “but I can eat you out, tonight, too.”

John blushes very hard, looking away, “Still hung up on that.”

“What?” Alex asks.

“I’ve just never heard someone say it so  _ bluntly.”  _ John says, “I’ve never met a guy so dedicated to giving oral.”

“Well I’ve been told I’m very good at it.” Alex says.

“I  _ know.”  _ John says, grinning.

“Sorry, I know you’re from Carolina.” Alex says, leaning over to him, “Country boy.”

“Shut up!” John says; he shoves him away and laughs.

“No, I know.” Alex says, grinning, “I’m sure guys down there don’t know how to treat their women.”

John bites his lip and looks down; when he doesn’t respond, Alex seems to realize what he said and sits up a little straighter. “I’m sorry - ” 

“It’s fine.” John says.

“I didn’t mean - ” Alex tries.

“I know what you meant.” John says quickly, “It’s fine, Alex. Don’t worry about it.”

They’re both quiet for a long moment, avoiding looking at each other, until finally Alex says, “I’d just like to do something with you properly, sometime.”

“I know.” John says.

“I just feel weird being the only one on the receiving end.” Alex adds.

“I don’t  _ mind.”  _ John says.

“ _ I  _ mind.” Alex insists, “You know, if you wanna be… friends with benefits, I’d like us to both benefit.”

John shrugs; when he really thinks about it, he would like that. Love it, even. The idea of Alex touching him makes him incredibly hot, but all Alex is focused on is the sex. The friends with benefits. The  _ just casual.  _ John, in the meantime, is focused on how fast Alex makes his heart beat when he smiles at him. How sweaty his palms get when they end up falling asleep in the same bed. How he can’t stop smiling when he thinks about kissing Alex or holding his hand or how his voice is always thick with sleep when he asks if John wants to be the little spoon or the big spoon. Sex with Alex doesn’t sound terrible, but he knows sex with  _ anyone  _ right now is just going to end up making him feel terrible.

He glances back up at Alex, who’s still looking at him, and he blushes. “Maybe… some other time.”

Alex makes a face, which makes John feel sick, so he swallows and says, “Hey, come here.”

He motions for Alex to lean over, which he does, and then John kisses him. Alex pulls away immediately, surprised, but then he grins, “That was really fuckin’ dorky, John.”

“Sorry, I’m gay.” John says, and Alex laughs.

John stands up, stretching, and then looks around for his shoes, “Let me get dressed and we can get food.”

“You’re already dressed.” Alex says.

“I  _ mean  _ let me put on my shoes and my binder and perhaps some skinny jeans.” John retorts, throwing his pencil at Alex before setting out to find those three things.


	8. Chapter 8

John isn’t really doing anything when Burr texts him.

Technically, he was making himself sick spinning in his swivel chair while he was waiting for Alex to come back to the dorm. He was supposed to be studying for something, but he didn’t really feel like it, so it had taken a backseat to spinning around. 

The text startles him, though, because his phone is sitting on his desk, and it makes a loud noise when it vibrates on the wood. He stops the chair and immediately almost falls out of it; he manages to catch himself and pulls himself closer to the desk to steady himself and grab his phone.

The text from Burr reads,  _ Hey, are you free right now? _

John texts him back,  _ why?  _ then tries to go back to spinning, but one round immediately tells him that’s a bad idea, so he pulls himself back up to the desk.

Just in time for Burr’s response,  _ I need you to help me with something. _

John frowns and responds with,  _ thats a little vague _

It takes several minutes for Burr to respond,  _ It’s nothing weird. _

That clears absolutely nothing up, so John decides to mess with him,  _ do u need ideas on where to hide the body? _

The response is almost immediate,  _ No. _

Then,  _ I’m not hiding a body. I’m planning something for Theo. _

John grins and types,  _ planning to hide her body? _

This reply somehow comes even faster,  _ No. _

Then,  _ I’m not hiding any bodies. _

Then,  _ Why would I kill Theo? She’s my girlfriend. Please stop being stupid. _

John texts him back,  _ what do u need? _

It takes Burr much longer to reply this time, but when the text finally comes through it’s a request to meet him at Hercules’ apartment, rather than telling him what he actually needs help with. John sighs; Hercules’ apartment is kind of a far walk, but Burr has piqued his curiosity now, so John slips his shoes on and sends Alex a text to let him know he’s going to be gone and then he sets out.

The air is chilly, but it hasn’t snowed in weeks, so it’s also crisp and dry. It finally feels like perfect weather for John’s hat to be fashionable and serve its purpose of keeping his ears warm. John worried when he steps outside that the chill will cause him problems on the walk to Hercules’ apartment, but by the time he’s climbing up the stairs (the elevator is  _ still  _ out of order), he’s no longer chilly, but instead wheezing. He’d already had his binder on for a few hours before he left, and the long walk and then the trek up five flights of stairs is definitely taking a toll on him.

He pauses when he reaches the fifth floor, trying to catch his breath in the stairwell before he knocks on the door, so Hercules doesn’t think he’s insanely out of breath after just climbing up the stairs. After a long moment, he feels better; the ache is still persistent, but he’s no longer breathing funny, so he pushes open the door to the hallway and finds Hercules’ apartment. 

Hercules answers the door and grins brightly at him, “Hey, John!”

“Hey.” John returns quietly, a smile on his face.

Hercules steps to the side so John can come in, and as John is walking past him, Hercules clasps him on the shoulder. John immediately wheezes, at which Hercules looks startled, “Are you okay?”

“Fine.” John says weakly, trying to stand back up straight; he’s ridiculously thankful he’s wearing his sweatshirt, “I’m fine,” he starts to give an excuse for his reaction, but he stops short, “What the fuck is that smell?”

“Burning sugar and regret.” Hercules says, closing the door, “C’mon.”

Hercules leads him to the kitchenette, which is where Burr is standing, leaning against the counter looking quite miserable. On the counter in front of him sits a large mass of  _ something  _ sitting in a pie tin. The surface is obviously composed of burnt and bubbled sugar which has turned black, and the smell from the doorway intensifies every step John takes closer to it. 

John stands next to Burr, looking down at it, “What is this supposed to be?”

Burr hesitates, clearly annoyed, before he says, “A pie.”

John laughs loudly, which only makes Burr’s frown deepen. From where Hercules is leaned against the doorway, he grins, “Tell him why you’re making the pie, Burr.”

Burr shoots him a look, then stares back down at his mistake, “Theo - ”

John laughs louder before he can get anything else out, and Burr turns and shoves him. John shoves him back, still giggling, but he leans against the opposite counter to make sure he doesn’t do it again. He takes a deep breath, then says, “Why are you making this…” he looks at the pie, “that doesn’t even deserve to be called a pie, that’s an abomination. Why have you made this middle finger to God for your girlfriend? Is this the body we’re burying?”

“We’re not burying a body!” Burr snaps, “It’s - we’re - she  _ likes  _ pie, okay? She used to spend a lot of time in Georgia and she likes pie and I wanted to make her one but clearly I’m not very good at it.”

John hesitates, still grinning, “So why am I here?”

Burr pauses, “You’re from Georgia, right?”

“South Carolina.” John corrects.

Hercules and Burr exchange a glance, like they’re not sure what to do with this information. After a moment, John says, “Close enough, what do you want?”

Burr nods at the pie, “Can you help me make this edible?”

_ “That?”  _ John asks, pointing to the one sitting on the counter, “Absolutely not. If someone eats that they’re going to die. That’s disgusting. It’s a disgrace. I’ve never met Theo, but if you showed her anything even reminiscent of that and told her it was a pie and you wanted her to eat it, she would dump you.”

“Okay, we get it,” Burr says, “It’s a gross pie, tell me how to make it better.”

“First, throw  _ that _ away.” John says, “I hope you still have a pie crust, because that one is beyond saving.”

“I told you, you can’t unburn something.” Hercules says.

Burr frowns at him, “I never said that.”

“You act like  _ that  _ is salvageable.” Hercules says, pointing to the pie, “Just throw it away.”

“Okay, wait,” Burr says, then looks at John, “I need you to taste it.”

John raises his eyebrows, “Are you trying to poison me?”

“Before I burnt it, it just tasted and looked really weird.” Burr explains, “That’s why I just thought… baking it longer would fix it.”

“I’m not going to put that in my mouth.” John says.

“That’s what she said.” Hercules mutters; John snickers.

Burr sighs, then opens one of the drawers and pulls out a knife. John immediately recoils, “Dude, oh, my God!”

“Will you calm down?” Burr asks, annoyed, then he cuts into the pie rather forcefully and pulls out a piece from the middle, which is not as badly burned. He holds the knife on it’s side with the sliver of pie resting on it and hands it to John, who takes it cautiously. Hercules and Burr both watch him intently as he takes a bite off the knife, which embarrasses John a little, but he tries not to think about it.

“Do I need to call poison control?” Hercules asks after a moment, and Burr scowls at him.

“You used baking powder instead of baking soda, didn’t you?” John asks.

Burr blinks at him, “Uh… yeah.”

John nods, “That’s part of the reason why it tastes like shit. Maybe try using brown sugar this time, instead of white? I don’t know. And look up how much baking powder you’re supposed to substitute, because it changes.”

“Wow, okay, pie expert.” Hercules says.

“I’m not a pie expert.” John snaps; he hands the knife back to Burr, “I just happen to be from the south.”

“Thank you, southern boy.” Hercules says, then he looks at Burr, “Do you wanna just try again tomorrow? You need to get another pie crust, anyways.”

Burr heaves a sigh, “And brown sugar, apparently.”

“And you might wanna go ahead and get baking soda.” John tells him.

Burr heaves a sigh and picks the disaster of a pie up, “So what should I do with this?”

“Trash it.” Hercules says at the same time John says, “Burn it.”

Burr leaves with the disgraced pie and Hercules flops down on the couch, “Got any plans for tonight?”

“This is the most exciting thing I’ve done all week.” John admits.

Hercules grins, studying John for a moment, then he says, “Are you good?”

“Yeah,” John says a little too fast, “I’m fine.”

Hercules raises his eyebrows at him, and John clears his throat, then says, “I walked here so I’m just - I’m hot, I guess.”

“You can take your sweatshirt off.” Hercules tells him.

“Oh, I don’t have anything on underneath it.” John says reflexively.

Hercules looks at him quizzically, and John blushes, “I just mean that - uh,” he hesitates, then he says quickly, “I just remembered I have to, uh, go talk to Alex about something.”

Hercules gives him another look, this time one that John can’t quite place, so he just nods and crosses to the front door. He tries to open it, only to find that it’s locked, and promptly hits his head on the door jamb. Hercules laughs, then covers his mouth to keep himself from continuing when he realizes how embarrassed John is. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go now.” John says, his voice cracking; Hercules just nods at him, still grinning, so John unlocks the door and slips out into the hallway. As soon as he gets into the stairwell he hits his head against the wall. It’s not enough to hurt him, but it’s enough for the situation, because John feels like the dumbest person alive. He starts down the stairs, but by the time he gets to the first floor he’s wheezing again. 

He takes his binder off before he walks out into the lobby, stuffs it in the front pocket of his sweatshirt, and walks back to the dorm.

When he comes inside, Alex is sitting at his desk; he spins around to face him. “Oh, hey.” he says, “Where were you?”

“Embarrassing myself.” John says; he takes his binder out of the pocket of his sweatshirt and throws it in his laundry basket angrily.

Alex raises his eyebrows, “Why were you carrying your binder around?”

John huffs, “Can you ever analyze a situation and decide not to comment?”

Alex nods, “That’s fair.” he says, “Bad day?”

“I got to make fun of Burr, so that was fun.” John says, crawling onto Alex’s bed; miraculously, Alex decides not to comment, “But then he left and I was alone with Hercules and I think maybe I’m never going to talk to him again.”

“Aw, why?” Alex asks, “I like Herc, he’s fun.”

“I was just being weird.” John says, “And I ran into the door trying to leave his apartment and I kept saying stupid things and I’m dying.”

Alex gives him a knowing look, “Do you have a crush on him?”

“Oh, my God, no!” John says; he grabs one of Alex’s pillows and throws it at him; Alex catches it and throws it back, albeit much weaker, “Why would I have a crush on Herc?”

“Uh, have you looked at him?” Alex asks.

“You say that about every single person you’ve ever looked at.” John deadpans.

“You know what? That’s fair.” Alex says, “Are you going to sleep?”

“It’s like four in the afternoon.” John says; he folds the pillow he’s holding onto under his chin, “What are you studying for?”

Alex launches into a long explanation, and John closes his eyes; after a moment, Alex stops once he figures John isn’t listening anymore, but then he cracks an eye open, “Keep going.”

“Huh?” Alex asks.

“Keep talking.” John tells him.

“Why?” Alex asks; he looks like he’s never been told to  _ continue  _ talking.

“Because I like the sound of your voice, jackass.” John says, closing his eyes and hiding his face in the pillow to keep Alex from realizing how hard he’s blushing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont rlly like this chapter but take it i guess i'm just trying to move the fic along and develop john's relationships


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains nonexplicit sex

Alex seems worse for wear when finals roll around; he takes them much harder than he took midterms. Where he was the one who had his shit together last semester, John seems to have him beat this time. John spends all of his free time in the room, but Alex never stays long when he comes by. At one point, Alex doesn’t return to their dorm room for two whole days, and when John does see him again he looks worse than he ever did during midterms.

“Oh, my God,” John says, spinning around in his chair, “are you okay?” 

Alex dumps his bag on his bed and turns to face John, “Yeah.” he says, but it sounds more reflexive than true.

“Where have you been?” John asks.

“Library.” Alex says, like it should be obvious.

“For two days?” John asks.

“Yeah.” Alex says, “Do you wanna have sex?”

John starts, “What?”

“Do you wanna have sex?” Alex repeats, “I know you’re probably studying but I promise it won’t take long.” he pauses, wincing, “That doesn’t sound good.”

John studies him up and down; he looks like he hasn’t slept since the last time he saw him. He hasn’t shaved in a while, which John doesn’t want to complain about, because it makes him look hot, but he knows that probably means Alex hasn’t been taking care of himself.

John bites his lip, “Are you  _ sure  _ you’re okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex says dismissively. 

“You don’t look okay.” John says.

“I have my first final in, like, an hour.” Alex finally explains.

“Maybe you should… shower before you go to that.” John comments.

“Well, if I’m gonna have sex then I’m gonna get sweaty anyways. I can shower after.” Alex reasons, “So do you wanna have sex?”

John hesitates; he stands up out of his chair and stretches, then looks Alex up and down, “Why?”

Alex makes a frustrated noise, “Because I’m  _ stressed.”  _ he says, “Aren’t you stressed? Everyone is stressed. I’m a split second away from having a panic attack and I’d like to relax for thirty seconds.”

John is quiet for a moment, “Thirty seconds?”

Alex  _ looks  _ like he wants to argue, but somehow he stops himself before he can get the first part of a rebuke out of his mouth. Instead he groans and turns away and says, “Whatever, I’ll just fucking take care of it in the shower.”

He makes a move like he’s going to leave then, and John grabs the sleeve of his jacket, rougher than he intended to. Alex immediately turns back around and kisses him, deciding to do what John was hesitating to. Alex gets straight to the point, reaching his hands underneath John’s sweatshirt and resting them on his waist, pulling him closer. John accepts the kiss for a few moments, always happy to kiss Alex, and especially happy to be kissing him when he hasn’t shaved. 

After a long moment, John breaks the kiss and presses another quickly to his neck. He reaches up and rubs his chin with his thumb, “You should shave… less.” he says dumbly.

Alex is running his hands over John’s waist restlessly, “I only have an hour, John.”

John keeps his sweatshirt on, which is suffocatingly hot and just short of a sensory nightmare, but he knows being looked at naked would probably fuck him over with his finals. The sex is fine. It’s not awful, but it’s not phenomenal. Then again, John only has one other point of reference, and compared to that experience, Alex is much better. He’s not entirely sure why Alex was stressed about the time; it certainly doesn’t take thirty seconds, but it still doesn’t take long.

Afterwards, John closes his eyes. He’s trying to figure out how not to melt into his sweatshirt when Alex lays back down next to him, pressing a kiss to his neck. John shivers, his face growing hot, which only serves to make him more uncomfortable.

“Alex.” John says, as he continues to kiss his neck, “Stop. I’m hot.”

Alex ceases the kisses, but doesn’t move his face away from the crook of John’s neck; his breath is hot on his skin. Alex grabs at the fabric of the sweatshirt, bunching it up in his hands, “Then take this off.”

“No.” John says, pushing his hand away.

Alex doesn’t say anything and rolls away from him, still laying on the bed next to him, but they’re not touching. It’s a feat, considering the size of the bed. John closes his eyes again. They stay like that for several moments. Finally, John rolls over to tell Alex it was nice, but he should probably go take that shower and get to his final. He stops short, however, when he realizes there are tears streaming down Alex’s face.

“Are you okay?” John asks, sitting up.

Alex immediately wipes his face, but there’s no use in that because it’s already flushed from the prior tears, and there are more quickly coming to replace those. “I’m fine.” he says, and his voice cracks.

“You’re crying.” John says, which is obvious; Alex doesn’t respond, so John asks, “Was I really that bad?”

Alex laughs once, shortly, then immediately starts crying harder, which panics John. He lays back down next to Alex, practically on top of him, “Alex, what’s wrong?”

Alex shakes his head, wiping his face again, but it still doesn’t do him much good. Finally, he manages, “I have a shift either before or after every single final I’m taking this week and I have to go take one now and I’ve gotten like four hours of sleep in three days - ”

“You did fine during midterms.” John points out, “I’m sure it’ll work out, plus you can sleep after.”

“No.” Alex says.

“No?” John asks.

“I don’t have a place to  _ live.”  _ Alex tells him, “I can’t fucking afford rent in New York. Not that I would be able to find a place in  _ one week  _ while I’m doing finals. And Burr is gonna be in New Jersey and Lafayette is gonna be in fucking  _ France  _ and Hercules hates the apartment he’s in right now and his lease is up right at the start of June and he’s gonna be with his parents in fucking Europe half of the summer  _ anyways  _ and - ”

“Come stay with me.” John offers immediately, and Alex falters in his explanation. 

He considers it for half a second, “No.”

“What?” John asks, “Why not?”

“I’d have to quit my job.” Alex says, “I can’t go all the way down to Carolina.”

“Alex,” John says, “If you’re choice is between  _ me  _ and sleeping on the couch in the lounge every night for three months, are you really gonna pick the couch for seven dollars an hour?”

“I make nine dollars an hour.” Alex interjects.

“Lucky you.” John says, “Alex, pick the option where you can sleep in an actual bed. Just tell your boss you’re going home for the summer. Lots of places will hire you back if you’re good at your job so they don’t have to train someone new.”

“And if they don’t hire me back?” Alex asks.

“Get a job at Starbucks so you can get actual good coffee at a discount.” John says.

Alex makes a face like he recognizes the joke is funny, but he’s too distressed to laugh, “I can’t afford not to work over the summer.”

“So get another nine dollar an hour job in Charleston.” John argues, “I literally cannot stress how this is obviously the easier choice.”

Alex hesitates, “I have to think about it.”

John huffs and rolls off of him, “Think about it in the shower. You have a final.”

“Fuck.” Alex says softly, like he just remembered, and he climbs out of bed as fast as he can.

…

After his last final, John finds Alex asleep on his bed with his shoes still on. Alex doesn’t stir until after John has taken both of them off and climbed into bed on top of him. Alex wraps an arm around his waist reflexively, welcoming the company, which makes John’s heart flutter. Alex presses a kiss to his jawline, but seems too tired to do anything else, “How was… art history?”

“That is not the class I just got out of.” John says, amused.

“I can  _ barely  _ speak, right now, John.” Alex points out.

“Yeah, it’s cute.” John says, then presses a chaste kiss to his lips. 

Alex whines, “Don’t call me cute.”

“Have you decided on coming to Charleston with me?” John asks.

Alex blinks, like John just spoke to him in a language he doesn’t speak and he’s trying to decode what he said based on his tone, “… Yeah.”

John waits for his proper answer; when it doesn’t come, he prompts him with, “And?”

“Oh,” Alex says, “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” he says all three  _yeah's_  in different tones.

John’s heart beats a little faster, “So you’ll stay with me?” 

“Mhm.” Alex says, “I talked to my manager…” there’s a second half of that sentence, but it gets lost in a yawn, which makes John grin.

“Alex?” he says.

“Hm?” he responds.

“Go to sleep.” John says, pushing his head back down onto the pillow.

“Okay.” Alex says meekly, asleep again almost immediately.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah wow two new chapters back to back ooo
> 
> this chapter contains mild transphobia, misgendering and an "almost-outed-against-your-will" scenario so tread lightly. there's also a joke about piss kinks.

Alex is making awkward small talk with Henry Laurens when John wanders into the kitchen, holding the cup of water he brought up to his room the night before. Henry perks up when his son appears, though John’s appearance has made it abundantly clear that he’s not a morning person. 

“How are you feeling?” Henry asks, hovering nervously.

“Fine.” John says, dumping the small amount of water that’s left in the cup into the sink and grabbing a dish towel, “I still miss sleeping on my side.”

He makes eye contact with Alex then, and John wants to add that he also misses cuddling with him, but he’s not sure it’s best to bring that up in front of his dad (he’ll ask if Alex is his boyfriend, and then Alex will quickly say no and John will quickly feel sad). Alex seems to understand, though, because John’s been complaining about it while his dad isn’t around, and he winks at him. 

John blushes at turns away immediately; he opens the cabinet to put the cup away, but he opens the wrong one. While he’s trying to recover and properly put the cup away, his dad says, “I would’ve thought you could’ve gone back to sleeping on your side by now.” he pauses, “You think that’s normal?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” John says, finally putting the cup back where is belongs, “It depends on the person, I think. Plus I’m healing fine, so.”

He turns back around and leans against the counter; his dad is still looking at him, so he adds, “It’s probably fine.”

His dad makes a face, “That’s not my favorite thing to hear after someone has surgery.”

“ _ Dad _ .” John whines, “I’m fine, I promise. Don’t worry about it.”

Henry is still making a face; Alex and John exchange another glance. Then John perks up and says, “Actually, I can stop binding now, I passed the date the doctor gave me a couple days ago, so I was gonna wash my binders and go donate them.”

Henry frowns, “At the goodwill?”

“No.” John says, “At that youth center place. We pass it when we’re going out of town? I figured maybe a kid there might need one.”

Alex looks at John affectionately, and John goes back to blushing.

Henry doesn’t notice, “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?”

“I am more than okay to drive.” John assures him.

“I could drive you.” Henry says.

“I’m nineteen.” John reminds him.

“I  _ know.”  _ Henry says, “Maybe Alex could drive.”

“Alex doesn’t have his licence.” John says before Alex can.

Henry seems skeptical, but then John says, “Afterwards I was gonna take Alex by the diner.”

That seems to put his dad at ease, “Oh, yeah, you should do that.”

“Where are you taking me?” Alex asks, frowning.

“Have you ever been to a diner?” John asks.

Alex looks at him skeptically, “No…”

“Oh, well then you  _ have _ to take him.” Henry says, “Okay, I’m headed out. You boys have fun.” he gives John a stern look, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

John shrugs, grinning, which is as close to his father is going to get to a promise.

…

“You’re not going to tell me what to order.” Alex says.

“I am not telling you what to order.” John argues, grinning, “I’m just telling you what’s good. Need I remind you I’ve eaten at this diner a ridiculous amount of times in my nineteen years of life?”

“Sounds a lot like you’re telling me what to order.” Alex retorts.

“I’m just telling you what I think you’ll like, based on what I know about you and what I know about here.” John says definitely.

John opens the door to the diner, sounding a cheerful ring of a bell, but he immediately stops; Alex all but runs into him. 

Alex puts his hands on John’s shoulders, “Dude, you good?”

John shrugs his hands off, “Don’t do that.” he says, “Sorry, I just - I know that guy…”

He nods his head to a kid sitting at the bar nursing a mug of coffee; he’s tall and clearly fit, wearing a sweatshirt with the high school’s logo on it.

Alex hesitates, then he mutters, “Jeez, what loser keeps wearing high school memorabilia after he graduates?”

John laughs a little bit; the guy sat at the counter doesn’t notice either of them, even though the rest of the diner is empty, so they seat themselves at a booth and John tries not to worry about it. Alex ends up ordering exactly what John recommended he order, though he insists he would have done it anyways if he hadn’t said anything. John gets the same thing he gets every time he goes there.

John is doing more staring at Alex than eating his food; he’s struggling to keep himself from publicly making eyes at him, when the bell rings and immediately someone comes barreling into the diner.

“Don’t run!” A waitress yells from behind the counter, and the boy - another one wearing a similar sweatshirt to the first - slows down as he approaches the bar.

He sits down on one of the stools excitedly as a third boy follows him inside much slower. “Dude, Frank,” the one who came running in says, “Guess who’s car is parked out front?”

Frank makes a face that asks a question; runner boy looks absolutely elated as he leans in front of him dramatically, “Eleanor Laurens.”

John sinks down in the booth a little bit, which Alex notices.

“What?” Frank asks, “No way, I haven’t seen her in here - ”

“Well maybe you’re just stupid.” The third boy says; he surveys the diner once and John holds his breath, but then he says, “Damn, she must be in the bathroom.”

“Holy shit,” runner boy says, “I can’t wait to see this. Going to college probably made her even weirder.”

Alex has definitely proven by now that picking up on nuanced social cues is not one of his strongest points. He’s far more brash than he is subtle, which often inhibits his ability to pick up on little details. However, it doesn’t take a lot of guessing to connect the conversation being held behind them to John’s sudden and drastic change in mood.

“Ten bucks says she did something fucked up to her hair.” Boy number three says.

“Twenty bucks says she did something fucked up to her face.” Runner boy challenges.

Alex taps his finger on the table a few times, then puts on his best sad face turns around in the booth to face them, “Eleanor Laurens died.”

John looks up at him, panicked, “Alex, shut the fuck up.” he hisses.

The three boys look alarmed, especially Frank. “What?” he asks.

“She died.” Alex repeats, “Didn’t you hear?”

None of the boys seem to know what to say for a moment, then runner boy asks, “Are you being serious?”

“Totally.” Alex says.

“How?” Frank asks, his eyes wide, “I mean how - how did she die?”

John is watching Alex with huge eyes; his stomach is no longer his stomach, but instead an enormous pit of anxiety. He fears he may throw up. Alex hesitates, then he says, “Some hazing accident at the college she ended up at. It was really horrible. We’re in town helping Henry out with some stuff.”

Runner boy squints at him, “How do you know Henry Laurens?”

“Cousins.” Alex says immediately, “Or, uh, he’s a cousin.” he point to John, who tries to look vaguely composed while avoiding eye contact with any of them.

After a moment of silence, though, it’s obvious they want John to acknowledge them, so he raises his hand in quick greeting and says, “Hey.” in the deepest voice he can.

Alex picks the lie back up immediately to keep it on track, “He’s driving her car while we’re in town.”

Frank looks almost panicked, “I didn’t hear about her dying.” he says, “I would’ve heard about it.”

“Oh, no,” Alex says, “It was  _ really  _ private. It didn’t even get in the news or anything upstate when it happened.” he glances at John, then he says, “I guess Henry hasn’t been mentioning it.”

John shrugs, trying to look casual, and Alex looks back at the group, “Maybe keep it on the down low?”

The three boys mutter agreements, and Alex sits back in the booth; John looks at him angrily for a moment, but with the three of them right behind their booth he knows he can’t have this conversation now. They loiter at the bar for a while, but as soon as Frank finishes his coffee he seems to want to leave, and his friends follow him. As soon as they’re out the door, John kicks Alex under the table as hard as he can.

“Ow!” Alex say, wincing.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” John hisses.

“I was trying - ” Alex tries, but John cuts him off.

“You were trying to get our asses beat, that’s what you were trying to do.” John snaps, “They would’ve let it go. They have the attention span of a mosquito! But now you’ve started a lie that I have to keep up probably for the rest of my life.  _ And _ my dad.  _ And _ my sister.”

“Well it’s kind of true!” Alex argues.

John inhales sharply, clearly trying to figure out how he wants to say what he’s thinking, “Alex, whatever fucked up metaphor you’re thinking applies to my identity, piss your pants for even thinking it in the first place.”

Alex grins at that, but John hits the table with the palm of his hand, startling him, “This isn’t a fucking joke.” he says, “If they had recognized me, they would’ve jumped us.”

“They would not have jumped us in the middle of a diner.” Alex argues.

“In the middle of an empty diner? Three against two? When they realized you probably weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet and I’m  _ me  _ and I’m,” he lowers his voice to a whisper, “ _ trans _ ?” he brings it back up to normal volume, “They probably would’ve  _ killed _ me.”

“Well they didn’t recognize you when they walked in.” Alex says.

“That was a glance around the room.” John argues, “That’s not the same as inspecting my face, which was what Frank was doing the whole time you were talking.”

“You pass well.” Alex insists.

“And what if I didn’t!” John asks angrily.

“I wasn’t doing it to be malicious, I was doing it to get them off your ass.” Alex says.

John is gripping the edge of the table, “That doesn’t mean it didn’t scare the shit out of me.”

“John.” Alex says, “Not to invalidate your argument, but I wouldn’t even be able to pick you out of a crowd of people if I was looking for you, with an image in my mind of what you looked like the first day we met. Your hair is to your shoulders, you’re not wrapping yourself up in baggy clothes, and I don’t know if you noticed but you  _ just had surgery - ” _

_ “This is not an argument you want to have with me, Alexander.”  _ John says angrily, his voice low; his knuckles have gone white. “Do not  _ ever  _ do that again. To me, or anyone else.”

Alex holds eye contact with him for a second, both of their gazes intense, and then John says, “You’re being a dick, Alex.”

Alex clenches his jaw, then relaxes back into the booth, “Okay.” he says, “Fine. I’m sorry.”

John sinks back into the cushion of the booth, letting go of the table; after a moment, he says, “I appreciate what you were  _ trying  _ to do.” he pauses, “Thank God it worked. But get my explicit permission before you put me in danger next time.”

“ _ Okay _ ,” Alex says, “I’m sorry.”

John takes a deep breath, “I forgive you.”

They sit in awkward silence for a long moment, trying to continue eating, until suddenly Alex asks, “About the piss your pants comment?”

John looks up at him, still miffed, but then Alex asks, “Are you into watersports?”

John makes a face that is clearly him trying not to smile, “What the fuck.”

“Because that’s kind of a dealbreaker.” Alex admits.

John cracks, grinning, and Alex looks at him sincerely, “Please don’t pee on me, John.” he says, and John cackles.


End file.
